Someone

I've been having strangely mystical things happening to me in the past months. Not long ago I spoke with someone about my deep feeling of the presence of a holy spirit when I was a child. As an adult it has changed into a different presence, one that simply feels like another person is in the room. But recently, I will be overcome with feelings of euphoria, almost a glimpse into enlightenment. I have a new power in myself that can communicate deeper, feel more compassion and understanding for every living thing. I've forgiven and recovered. Maybe I feel more spirits around me, or the spirit that's been there all along is in everything.
"When I look at the stars I see someone else.. I see someone."
Tonight, for the first time in my life, I felt a star smile back at me. There is no way to describe the joy I feel.

The Man

Twenty years,
We'd been married for twenty years,
and it was finally time for him to open up.
He sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and opened his mouth.
Clear, precise, proficient in his speech, in his tone, and in the language of his body.
His body, which I know like my own. One I'd known for half of this life. His body.
Words like a simple tune I've heard before.. but can't recall the end.
In fact, I never knew how it would end with him, either.
Twenty years, and he told me he didn't love me.
That he was meant to be alone,
Twenty years ago.

Two Lines

I dreamed you were in me,
Growing,
Like I have longed for so long.
I could feel a change in my body,
Swelling,
With pride and blood and life.
The feeling came to only me,
And the rest of the world kept on.
I had to make sure it was real,
Testing,
To see if you finally came to me.
Waiting to see the lines I'd felt,
Black,
All my eyes saw was darkness.
It was not one line, or two,
Black,
And I knew it wasn't a mistake.

I was bearing darkness in my womb.

Dive Deep

In all my years wading in water,
I never learned to dive right in.
Fears of falling head-on to the unknown,
Would I get hurt or lose myself?
I held back and stayed safe.
So I'd step in slowly, meticulously,
Not to lose my footing or my faith.
Call me careful, call me boring,
I always stayed safe in my own arms.

After two decades of wading,
I grew into a woman, and had to learn
That sometimes you get pushed in,
Whether you want to or not.
You'll never know when or how,
but it'll hit you from behind, and you'll fall.
And at that moment, you learn to survive.
And you are forced to dive in,
You've got to do everything you can,
To calm yourself, and fall, and dive.

Diving still isn't any fun for me.
But I was pushed, one time.
And now I know how to dive.

Grow

It's been one year, and look where I am today.

Meticulous Markings

On this day, in one year, I will be something very different. Maybe not what you'd have expected, but I'll be it nonetheless. I'm going north, whether you wish it of me or not. Stacks of chords rest in front of me, filled with inspiration in future tense. I am not thrown off by fear or pain.. no, I am more confidant than ever before. And just you wait and see what is in store!

Three

The tension in your voice. The strained, high pitch of your "I love you" and "I miss you" always left me in question. It was something I never understood before, that sound in your voice. But tonight, I heard it again. "And I'll see you soon, hopefully sooner than you think." To be honest, I never saw you again. I only see the shell of who you once were. And I finally interpreted that tension, tonight I finally did.
You were lying.

You knew I needed you
And yet you kept your distance
I told that story of us today
The one I never tell anyone
And I was reminded
Of just how much I hate you
For abandoning me when I needed you most.

Electric

The dominant hand crippled, most intensely on its side. I felt the sting at my wrist, the tendon strained from being worked all day. It's an electric pain, unnatural and wiry, which pulsates in unusual ways. When I allow fear into my life, I worry that I have permanent damage. In my worst, I become fearful with the idea that I would lose my ability. I am doing something about this tomorrow.

Reach You

My heart wished for nothing more than to be comforted by that warmth. As a child crawls onto their bed at night, I reached for your heart and climbed inside.

Ever Changing

My heart, content
With the idea of ever changing
My heart, widening
With every interaction had
Tidbit of information that's given
Conversation finally received
My heart, at last being heard
With each moment of embrace
All connections being made
Every fucking second
Folded, or melted, or woven,
Yes, woven,
Opened to a new life.

Blossoms

Greeted with a smile,
We exchange hello's and I receive.
Close the door into my safe zone
And I sat down, alone, and wondering.
My fingers grazed the box in front of me,
Wandering every corner before opening it.
The room was dark, as was my heart
The mail was foreign, difficult to open.
I would be lying if I wasn't honest,
Did I even want this love?
My hands opened my gift, and out of nowhere..

The ceiling opened up
Revealing the bright blue sky
Cloudless, with blossoms raining
I was amazed to see such a wonder
But I wasn't shaken.. I was home
I looked down to look at the mail
Which opened itself
Like a chick leaving its shell
And colors came forth
Blue, red, yellow, childlike hues
Inflated in front of my eyes
And balloons grew out of the box
I watched as they released from their space,
And descended into the sky
They let go
As did I that day

His Wings

Through the years, I watched as he grew like trees, though swaying in the wind, ever stronger. I think he feared me, for some unknown reason. Was it that I showed him new life when other were still wrapped up in the past? One time, moons before now, he held my hand, and it did feel like home. I look back with positive thoughts.. my intentions were good, and for once someone saw it.
We danced today. Through lush fields of green that would surely fade to camel in the coming weeks. He was a free bird, yet he never stayed far away. I watched him in his open state, he is grounded and graceful. I saw his heart open to the sky when he lifted his arms, his wings. Looking upwards as the summer rains fell, the moon man released all the love within. He caught raindrops on his tongue, spinning in circles with arms outstretched. As I wept with joy, I knew what was next.. he was free to go back to the universe.

Rapid Eye Movement

No longer believing in paradise
She slept through her life
Letting go of the present reality
And attaching to her dream cycles

Soul Sister

Capturing pictures of Newo yawning and trying to make a similar face. This is one of my favorite hobbies. Get over it kbye

"And I Miss You So Much."

I heard your voice today. It was slow and soft, and I knew you were telling the truth when you said you were laying in your bed. You told me about my good qualities. You spoke to me with great longing, and for one very small moment, I smiled. First, it was the feeling of being so special.. then it was the "oh thank God this is over."
You disappeared, but your history lingers. One day it will take me longer to remember your name. One day I won't ball my fists when I feel you in the same room. At some point, I will forget you ever existed. I will keep the good memories and release the imprint of you in my life. You no longer need to exist.

"But what if it didn't happen?"

To erase this message, press 7. To save it, press 9.

The Canopy

I wandered.
Through valleys, at first.

But I chose to face West, and I headed towards the woods. To the omnipotent redwoods, where green vines wrap closely to them. All is connected, interwoven with deep layers of beauty. And mysteries. My feet are grounded, pressed firmly to nature's floor. I plant my broken bones and allow the veins in my body to descend underground. Body grows below and above; as I become deeply rooted, I am extended. Ascended. It is all known to everyone. My arms reach upward to find the strength of the sun. Moments become time, days become ages. I yearn for the stars, but the elders hang over and hide me from freedom. Patience is my only hope, as I press on into the earth, building roots into the unknown.

Has it been a moment, years, centuries since I first sank into this ground? My bones are tired, but they remain strong. Often, in the dead of night, I long to uproot myself and continue in the desert. Will I always feel this way.. so empty, so estranged?

But then, sunrise. I am touched, I feel the warmth of not being by myself, yet I don't know who is by me. It is a radiant light filled with warmth. The Comforter. I am reaching the top, I am finally there. The Canopy.

Driftwood Dreams

I took the trail down to perfection
A place of joy, with deep emotion
How many times did we discuss
There was never a disconnect with us
Sharp turns, and we had to slow down
You interpret that as drifting alone
I saw it as an adventure downstream
You sang your usual melancholy theme
No way of getting out, you are trapped
The first glimpse of a way out, you snapped
I traced with my fingers, you painted me
Imagined us not you and me, but we
The afterman woke me up from my dream
He kissed my eyes, my ears, reality
You were my holiday, but let's get back to real life.

I refuse to sink.

It Was Beautiful, It Was Brutal

Maybe my memory's just repressed.