Forward.

Starting new chapters of life, letting old ones go.
Today marks the day where I put my deposit down for massage school. On October 22nd, I will have my certificate in massage therapy. My choice, my money, my goals. I didn't need anyone else, but I wanted and kept a few for the ride. Thank you, to those very few people that stayed, and that love me.

Sometimes I'm not sure how to catch my blog up on my life, and it comes out this half-ass thank you, and a resemblance of some list of calendar events. Sorry about that.

Question of the blog:
What's your next move? (Up to your own interpretation)

Clean Sheets and Christmas Lights

There's something so refreshing about spending the day, doing laundry and cleaning up your room. Currently, my deep purple sheets are hung up in the windows, and they look like the walls lining a bazaar. As I wander around my empty flat, it smells like fresh flowers, and I feel so much more peaceful than how I felt earlier in the day. My desk is lined with tea candles, lit and glowing with my desk lamps, and our Christmas lights that decorate the hall. They all bring a sense of warmth into this oftentimes empty heart of mine.

Life can be frustrating, overwhelming, heartbreaking, and disappointing, but at least we can go to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow brings new opportunities for us to grow, and be lovelier people than the day before.

Question of the blog:

What brings you comfort on lonely nights?

Laundry Etiquette

Give me a moment to bitch about the people that live on campus with me.

I put my laundry in the washer at 5:30 pm. The washer takes exactly 37 minutes to do its thang, and there are 4 washers. I go to pick my laundry up one hour later, so it has been sitting unattended for a whopping 23 minutes. Some idiot took my wet laundry out of the washer to do whatever the hell they needed to do, but there was nothing in any of the washers! The person just pulled my stuff out! For no reason! All washers were empty! WHO EVEN DOES THAT?

Question of the blog:

Do you have to share a washer/dryer with other people? What is your idea of good laundry etiquette?

Come And Go

And the days come to you like sailors, you watch them as they drift away,

they meet the sunrise out at the horizon.

It's been a good weekend. I am very tired, still getting over this stupid cold I've had for 8 days. People that live on campus are moving back home, and it is very sad for everyone. The campus is quiet, the nights are more lonely for everyone, but it's really inspired me. The friends I've been meeting are all a part of the EF program, where they come and stay in San Diego (or wherever an Education First program is) and they live here as students, and learn English. They go to class on week days, and party on weekends. Unfortunately, they don't really experience the full American lifestyle, since it's all foreign kids living with other foreign kids. So I am really going to push my friendships with them, in hopes that they will want to journey with me and learn more about how I live my life down here. Even though I live pretty basically down here, it's still more than they get to experience. To see someone have a good time in the short time they live here, I'd do a lot. Whether it's driving them to the beach, or taking them to my favorite coffee shop, it's worth it for them and worth it for me. There's nothing like making new friends through experiences together.

So more adventures, more traveling, more late nights, more beach days.

Let the good times roll.

Question of the blog:

If you could live in ANY country, and live as a student learning their language, where would you go?

In My Life

The summary of my first semester in San Diego:

Unpacking. Solana Beach. Swimming. Sun kissed skin. Adjustments. Dropping. Birthdays. New friends. Stars. Giants. Designated driving. Tears. Travels. Miramar. Ocean days. Disneyland fireworks. Photoshoots. Family visits. Sushi. Apple pie. Losing you. Stepping out. New places. Basketball. Disposable cameras. Halloween. Tattoos. Dress up parties. Dream interpretation. World Series. Independence confused with loneliness. Girls nights. Solo road trips. Christmas traditions. Chalk.

Question of the blog:

How would you summarize the last 5 months?

spring 2011

i will be successful next semester.

How Good?

Friends like you? So good.

Open Up

star wars shirt. running shorts. it's a funny day, with the wind blowing and the sun shining like it does every november. walking down the road, i can't help but smile. it's that still silence of the trees and fields. i'm shaky from the coffee i drank an hour ago. van morrison fills my ear. i'll take your advice and say fuck it all. tomorrow i'll chat with the art institute of seattle, los angeles, new england. what will i do, i'm not quite sure to be honest. lick my lips, pull up my hair into that messy bun you used to love. sit down at my computer and i write about children, and families, and communities, and societies. it's fun. next door my neighbors smoke in the living room, and they enjoy every second of it. and they love it and i love them and they love me. in the library, love is blooming from germany to norway and i can feel them smiling from here. it's the sound of going home. i'm in love with today and with you. thank you. beautiful ideas spill out of my mind onto this keyboard and come out completely wrong, but here it is. the french don't say i love you, but rather i am in love. that's what i am today. with nothing in particular, but with everything. and everyone. i don't have a lot, but that's what i do have. guitar strings without voices. sometimes this is just what i need. nothing is okay but i know it will be, and that's okay for now.

Caillou

10-10-10
Sushi, air conditioning, big beds, Mike's Hard Lemonade
French music, swimming pools, foreign languages
Happy birthdays,
Beautiful Sundays.

College Bathroom Parties, and Olsen Hands

My current living situation is in a suite-style apartment building, on the top floor, on the very corner. The neighbors that share my wall are foreign (I live at an International University), and in the past two days have I heard an array of men speaking Chinese, German, and possibly some middle eastern language I cannot point out. The strangest thing is, is that they are most definitely the loudest when they are in the bathroom, which mirrors mine as well. And there are always more than one in there at a time...

On a much more random note, I am always impressed at how much the Olsen twins can hold in their dainty little hands.

Question of the blog:

What is your living situation like?

Bold

I forgot to buy milk to go with my 5 jars of iced coffee I made. I must be growing a beard and chest hair by how strong this is.

Today, I have Statistics and Art Orientation. I'm excited. And yes, I did just say I was excited for this math class. Alexandra woke up on the right side of the bed today. Good morning, emails from Miramar. Good morning, Claudio Sanchez. Good morning, cold showers.

Question of the blog:

Are you a morning person, mid-day person, or night person?

Update.

My air conditioner has broken.

Windows open,

Blinds wave in the wind, inches from each other.

Lights are off,

And my bed calls my name, before the sun is set.

I am as decorated as can be so far. My room looks a lot more like me than I had expected when I first showed up. My next task is decorating the living room, because right now it's so hideous I can't even sit in it for more than 5 minutes.

Here is my room. Tada!

Question of the blog:

Are you the type of person that needs to decorate, or are all of your ideas in your mind, so you can be satisfied with a blank wall?

Sheets and Things

In exactly one month, I will be at school!

I'll be honest, I've felt a little left out these past two years. Watching my friends go off to school, having adventures and calling somewhere else home has been weird to watch from the sideline. I guess the way I coped with living at home is that I agreed to leave eventually, but by this time I had practically given up on the idea of leaving Sierra College. Now I am here, sitting by a pool and imagining my trip in just one month, and can't even fathom it! I just put in my month's notice at work, I guess that helped a bit. Hmm,

Let's see... How have I prepared so far...

I bought all of my bedding. Check.

I have a computer that I'll bring... Check.

My towels are adorable. Check.

Wait.. Really, is that it? Oh great. I guess I have some things to get. I'll take some photos for you kids and post them soon. But really, what do you even buy for college? It will all fall into place. I'm not worried.

Now I just need to get into my classes I need. Oh goodness...

Question of the blog:

Any suggestions of what I should buy for school? =s

Girl, I Can't Stay

I am preparing for school in the fall.

It's getting really exciting, finding things to bring to school, what to pack, dates and times... So this blog is really a question, which is..

Question of the blog:

Would you like to join me on this adventure? Should I start blogging about preparations? Would you like to see photos of what I'm bringing and have bough for school? Let me know.

This Year, Baby

I am shopping for school this fall. I've never done this before, so it's a totally new and fun experience of lists! Of course, Andy thinks my choice of bedding is ridiculous, but I love these. My suite is all wood paneling, so I need something to brighten up the room, you know? I was also thinking of buying material and just covering one of the walls. We'll see. Until then, if you're interested in what my home for the next year will look like, watch this video of Alliant International University tour. If you're just looking for what my suite will look like, jump to 4:54 in the vid. I really enjoy how so many of my friends are interested in my life, and what my plans are in life. Thank you, that is so motivating for me in many aspects of my life, with blogging, photography, starting new adventures, and doing what's best for me. You are all such lovely people, and I thank you for the support.

Question of the blog:

How was your housing the first year you moved away?

AND

Out of the four pieces of bedding above, which would you choose?

A Day In The Life Of A College Kid

Today, I am putting together my schedule for school this fall. San Diego is becoming more and more of a reality. I can't wait! So here's the deal, I've got morning classes Monday through Thursday, World Religions, English, and Math. Now, I must add an art class I'm not really interested in taking.. Or maybe I should just take Spanish?


5 UNITS? Really? For a Spanish class? If you add the word "requirement" to anything, you know I'll be unmotivated. I'll think about it. Until then..


I'm taking my vitamins and am going to prepare for some singing with old friends. Today, I am happy for the music in my life, and my wonderful boyfriend who I miss incredible amounts.

Question of the blog:
Are you in school? What are you taking this fall? If you're not in school, what are your plans for the fall?

Excuse Me?

You never said I had to have a pin number to sign up for classes...
Awesome.

You're Out Of Your Element

I picked up my glasses yesterday! So here they are, in all their fun.
Yesterday was lovely in the sense that there was so much joy in my heart, that I haven't felt much of lately. It was so apparent through my continuous childish giggles, sporadic moments of diamond shopping, and sunset catching.
In a way, my life is at a very defined moment of change, like I'm at an important crossroad of some sort. The other day, I went to camp, and had a great realization that sort of placed me back into God's hands, and now I am making decisions according to His will, and not mine. Sooo, prepare for some big things happening in Zanda Panda's life pretty soon.
Among other things, I am getting my hair highlighted tomorrow. This is the first time I've dyed my hair in quite a few years...

Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?
Oh yes, graduation time, 2008. Practically natural hair color, when it was super long and whispy indian hair. I want this baaaack!

I think this must have been Sophomore year of high school, when I dyed it red a lot, and was a teensy little baby. Divide myself by 6 and you basically have Alexandra as a sophomore in high school.
Half way through my sophomore year, I dyed my hair platinum blond. It turned out to be more like an awesome fire, where my roots were super blond, and my ends were red. Shortly after this, I chopped it off and dyed it brown again.

One of my first times dying my hair, and still a favorite. Red hair, blond bangs. So sassy and fun. Freshman year of high school.
Question of the blog:
When it comes to hair, I've always been sort of a rebel. I've always thought of it as a secondary deal, like if I'm not satisfied with the way it turned out, oh well. Big changes are my faves though... With most things.
Are you good with change, or are you the type of person that prefers predictability?

Time, Space, Doom, Dream.

Midnight is about to strike, and here I am with a big bowl of Annie's Mac and Cheese, nostalgia filling my ears as I soak in Winter, by Joshua Shank. Almost every blog I follow, shows an in depth look in a person's life. The vulnerability they type onto this page, the rumination, the free association, I wish I could do it. I wish I could spew my thoughts on here and have everyone read, and understand my inner most being... But you can't. In the end, not many people will read this at all. You will not understand me. But I'm going to try anyways, so here I go.
My dad has always said that I was the one with a plan. I make my plans a reality, and it happens. But as of the moment I threw that stupid blue graduation hat into the air, I lost all direction and view of anything that's going on in my life. College came quickly, and not the college I had always dreamed about as a kid. I drive a few minutes, pay my parking pass, and walk to class where neither I, nor almost anyone else in the class is excited to be there. There have been those few teachers, not professors, that have made a difference, that have left the semester while I hung onto their last words. I enjoyed Frank and his crazy passion for earth science. I like Kathy and her outspoken humor at retirement, while she taught us all about sociology. But I remain here and I feel as though nothing in me is changing.
You meet certain people in life, where their lives have been planned since day one. They do not fail at succeeding in those plans. Or maybe you meet those people whose lives were given direction the moment God showed them that plan for their life. That hasn't happened to me. I make plans, and they don't succeed. Or I'm pushed back, semester by semester. God has not showed me where I belong, whether I'm meant to continue in the direction of dental hygiene, or follow a road down psychology, or something I've never even considered before. There are moments that I feel as though I'm standing at a crossroads, but I'm so lost I can't even move. That's where I am... Stagnant. And honestly, it's because I'm scared. I am so freaking scared I can't handle it sometimes.
In giving advice, most will say "follow what you love, no what will pay you" or some motivational, hopeful, Hallmark sort of piece. Well here's what I love: security. I love knowing that say, as a dental hygienist, I could support myself and support my family. I love knowing that I would not wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing if I could pay my bills, or buy my children the food they need to survive. So there you go for vulnerability. Take it or leave it, this is how I feel.
When I said I felt as though God hasn't given me a firm direction to go one way or another, I did not mean that I'm forcing Him to do anything, but I'm not ignoring him either. I will follow God's direction, right now I'm just not getting any responses. I need no unconditional positive regard from Him. Just give it to me, on a plank, as is.
So there it is, all my fears about the future, for you to consume and take as you will.
I'm as scared as ever, about school, about the fact that I'm home still, after promising myself that I wouldn't. About Brian saying, "You better not be here when I come home, Zandra." I want to make it somewhere, I just have no clue what I'm doing anymore.
All I know, is that I want to love people, I want to follow God, I want to love someone with my whole heart, and be a best friend. I want to feel secure. And infinite. One day.

Winter, by Joshua Shank
I sang this with my choir, 4 years ago. I still know it almost word for word. This makes me feel infinite, just for a moment.


snow....snow
beautiful is the unmeaning
of silently falling
everywhere snow
two faces at a dark window
this father and his child are watching snowflakes
falling
falling over
time
space
doom
dream
while floats the whole perhapsless mystery
of paradise
mind without soul
may blast some universe to might have been,
and stop ten thousand stars
but not one heartbeat of this child;
nor shall even prevail a million questionings
against the silence of his mother’s smile
—whose only secret all creation sing
snow....snow
time space doom dream

I'll play this one more time, and drift into another night's sleep.

Latte Schmatte.

I have been awake for an hour now. Andy has been helping me in my quest for a 4.0 this semester, and with that is waking me up at 9 every morning to start my mornings well. I woke up with some constant comment tea and cheerios. While I was drinking my tea, I congratulated myself for making it almost an entire week without cafe drinks. I honestly didn't think it was going to be this hard. I am fighting myself every day, probably two or three times a day, to not run down to The Spot, or drive to my beloved Caroline's Coffee for a delicious latte. Coffee is in no way an addiction, it is simply something that warms my body and eases my soul. It's a great way to pause during the day, just to enjoy being where you are. When I'm spending a significant amount of money on a pick-me-up that slowly becomes routine, that's when I know I need a little break.
I'm working on it, and getting better. So far so good.
Today is a day for reviewing pages and pages for Human Sexuality and Abnormal Psychology. It is a day for strumming my guitar, and singing whether or not my voice is super raspy from this cold. I'll eat healthy, I will observe the fasts that I am working on this Lenten season.
...But man would I love a 16oz whole milk latte extra foam right now.

Question of the blog:
Do you have a morning routine? I remember when I was in Chamber choir and woke up at 5:30 in the morning, I would complete half of my routine and then all of a sudden realize I'm awake. Does that ever happen to you?