Momentary Completion

That's all this really is, anyway. A place for people to wander and search for the things they miss. Then they stare longingly at what they don't have and for a moment, they feel whole again. But just for a moment.

After Day, After Day

wake up. stretch. smile. open. dress. drink. wander. search. give. receive. create. learn. understand. attempt. sing. listen. pray. set. meet. interpret. create. destroy. shine. undress. lay. dream.

repeat.

The Smoke, It Rises

Where this path leads

Writing to my lost one

A bitter sense of mourning

I know where this path leads

The wax falls down like tears

Smoke sends you heavenwards

And I am left in silence

With seasons ever changing

Our time stands still

Question of the blog:

First I'd like to preface this and let you know, this is just a cigar. I'm not downs for any other smoking devices. But you do what you want. Just throwing it out there, for me.? k...cooool..

This started off as a letter, but through writing it over and over, this is all I could get out. So this letter is for you, and you know I'm not saying sorry, but my sympathies for not sending it.

SO, the question is, do you like writing letters? Do you like receiving letters/packages in the mail?

Time, Space, Doom, Dream.

Midnight is about to strike, and here I am with a big bowl of Annie's Mac and Cheese, nostalgia filling my ears as I soak in Winter, by Joshua Shank. Almost every blog I follow, shows an in depth look in a person's life. The vulnerability they type onto this page, the rumination, the free association, I wish I could do it. I wish I could spew my thoughts on here and have everyone read, and understand my inner most being... But you can't. In the end, not many people will read this at all. You will not understand me. But I'm going to try anyways, so here I go.
My dad has always said that I was the one with a plan. I make my plans a reality, and it happens. But as of the moment I threw that stupid blue graduation hat into the air, I lost all direction and view of anything that's going on in my life. College came quickly, and not the college I had always dreamed about as a kid. I drive a few minutes, pay my parking pass, and walk to class where neither I, nor almost anyone else in the class is excited to be there. There have been those few teachers, not professors, that have made a difference, that have left the semester while I hung onto their last words. I enjoyed Frank and his crazy passion for earth science. I like Kathy and her outspoken humor at retirement, while she taught us all about sociology. But I remain here and I feel as though nothing in me is changing.
You meet certain people in life, where their lives have been planned since day one. They do not fail at succeeding in those plans. Or maybe you meet those people whose lives were given direction the moment God showed them that plan for their life. That hasn't happened to me. I make plans, and they don't succeed. Or I'm pushed back, semester by semester. God has not showed me where I belong, whether I'm meant to continue in the direction of dental hygiene, or follow a road down psychology, or something I've never even considered before. There are moments that I feel as though I'm standing at a crossroads, but I'm so lost I can't even move. That's where I am... Stagnant. And honestly, it's because I'm scared. I am so freaking scared I can't handle it sometimes.
In giving advice, most will say "follow what you love, no what will pay you" or some motivational, hopeful, Hallmark sort of piece. Well here's what I love: security. I love knowing that say, as a dental hygienist, I could support myself and support my family. I love knowing that I would not wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing if I could pay my bills, or buy my children the food they need to survive. So there you go for vulnerability. Take it or leave it, this is how I feel.
When I said I felt as though God hasn't given me a firm direction to go one way or another, I did not mean that I'm forcing Him to do anything, but I'm not ignoring him either. I will follow God's direction, right now I'm just not getting any responses. I need no unconditional positive regard from Him. Just give it to me, on a plank, as is.
So there it is, all my fears about the future, for you to consume and take as you will.
I'm as scared as ever, about school, about the fact that I'm home still, after promising myself that I wouldn't. About Brian saying, "You better not be here when I come home, Zandra." I want to make it somewhere, I just have no clue what I'm doing anymore.
All I know, is that I want to love people, I want to follow God, I want to love someone with my whole heart, and be a best friend. I want to feel secure. And infinite. One day.

Winter, by Joshua Shank
I sang this with my choir, 4 years ago. I still know it almost word for word. This makes me feel infinite, just for a moment.


snow....snow
beautiful is the unmeaning
of silently falling
everywhere snow
two faces at a dark window
this father and his child are watching snowflakes
falling
falling over
time
space
doom
dream
while floats the whole perhapsless mystery
of paradise
mind without soul
may blast some universe to might have been,
and stop ten thousand stars
but not one heartbeat of this child;
nor shall even prevail a million questionings
against the silence of his mother’s smile
—whose only secret all creation sing
snow....snow
time space doom dream

I'll play this one more time, and drift into another night's sleep.

Oh Snap.

This blog is dedicated to all of the things that scare me, in hopes that you will understand me a little bit better. Although it might just do the complete opposite and you will think I am more strange and dramatic than before.

1. I am afraid of my debit card being declined in public. I would be completely humiliated if that happened, and in turn I rarely use my debit card, especially for large purchases.
2. Being a letdown to my family. I strive to be accepted by people, a lot of the time I try much to hard and hurt myself by doing so, but my family's acceptance is more important to me than anyone else's. The thought of disappointing my parents has probably produced more stress in my life than anything else. Although I know that they will always love me no matter what, I am a doubting Thomas.
3. I am scared of driving at night. One of my biggest fears is hitting an animal (the worst would be a kitty or a squirrel) and being responsible for their death. That and a horror film coming true, and like, a little girl appears in the middle of the road and her eyes are all white or something. I don't even know. I try not to let my imagination run wild while I am driving at night.
4. I am afraid of big dogs. I worry that they have more strength than me and they generally have excess hair that sheds on my nice clothes. I am also afraid for little children when they are around large dogs.
5. Getting in a car accident/being pulled over. I am afraid of talking to strangers, talking to policemen, and since I don't know any policemen personally, I would encounter both. I am afraid of pulling over and I think that the first time i am pulled over or get in an accident, I will probably have an anxiety attack.
6. Never getting married. No real explanation there.
7. Living alone. I am afraid of everything when I am alone, and if I had to live like that on a daily basis, I'm not sure how I would survive.
8. Camping in tents. I am scared that a murderer will come and kill me... Honestly. I'm just scared. Actually, camping in general creeps me out.
9. I am afraid that I will not be able to succeed in the Dental field, and will be stuck with a crappy job like a barista or something.
10. I am afraid of eyes. I cannot watch someone touch their eye. I cannot watch someone put in contacts. I cannot use eye drops. I cannot even read about the scientific descriptions of how eyes work.
11. I am scared of hurting the earth. I do my best, recycling and unplugging things that aren't being used, but I wish I was Amish sometimes because they don't have the guilt of destroying the earth by gas and metal balloons and plastic ties that wrap around fish in the sea and kill them.
12. I am afraid of my life being cut off short before I tell people how I truly feel about them. I suppose I could solve this by just telling them now...But sometimes it is very difficult.
13. My deepest darkest secrets will be revealed. Nuff said.

I'll post more later. those are some of the most intense fears though.

Text Your Secret

I am a big fan of Post Secret, an online community where people send their secrets on a postcard to a man by the name of Frank. He posts them on his site (postsecret.com) and every Sunday there is a new batch up. I was reading his blog and he asked the question, could you text a stranger your secret? I thought about it, and i gave it a try. It was nice to know someone knew a secret, but could never hold it against me because we didn't know each other. I put myself out there, and gave people the opportunity to text me. This has been an eye-opening experience. None of them are from numbers I know, none in area codes I know either. These are the ones i have received so far:

"The most beautiful thing on this earth to me besides my girlfriend (who I'm losing) is my kitty rose"
I sent this person a text back, and he responded with a photo of his cat. She really was beautiful.

"I miss the imaginary friends i had as a child now tht im older i feel like part of me is missing"

"I have many friends but the truth is I dont really think too highly of any of them. Most are simply there for entertainment."

"I am transforming my body so that when he returns from australia he might think of me as more than a friend."

"I wish i was as confident and as beautiful as i pretend to be."

"I assume that every single person i love will leave me."

"I have fallen in love with the person I told myself i wouldn't, and I could care less."

Reading these has been so nice. I like the thought of being the keeper of others secrets. And I'll be sure to add more as people send me their secrets.