The Canopy

I wandered.
Through valleys, at first.

But I chose to face West, and I headed towards the woods. To the omnipotent redwoods, where green vines wrap closely to them. All is connected, interwoven with deep layers of beauty. And mysteries. My feet are grounded, pressed firmly to nature's floor. I plant my broken bones and allow the veins in my body to descend underground. Body grows below and above; as I become deeply rooted, I am extended. Ascended. It is all known to everyone. My arms reach upward to find the strength of the sun. Moments become time, days become ages. I yearn for the stars, but the elders hang over and hide me from freedom. Patience is my only hope, as I press on into the earth, building roots into the unknown.

Has it been a moment, years, centuries since I first sank into this ground? My bones are tired, but they remain strong. Often, in the dead of night, I long to uproot myself and continue in the desert. Will I always feel this way.. so empty, so estranged?

But then, sunrise. I am touched, I feel the warmth of not being by myself, yet I don't know who is by me. It is a radiant light filled with warmth. The Comforter. I am reaching the top, I am finally there. The Canopy.

This Open Field

Did the ground shake beneath you?
God knows that fear was in your eyes
Whose fault was that when it fell on me?
Dandelions keep you in this open field
With a heart closed, so full of bitterness
Even open air seems to suffocate you
If only those lungs could fully inhale
Then peace could at last hold you

New Song

The sun moves toward the west

And we spend its last hour in our back yard. I lay in a hammock by myself, and watch the dogs as they play with each other around me. My skin feels as if it is glowing. The sun shines on my face and I feel a warmth that rarely comes to me anymore. I am at peace, I feel a serenity come over me, and I am not so alone. Rocked back and forth as if I was a baby once again, birds sing a new song high in the trees. Autumn is among us, and I feel it in the cold brick on my feet, the smell of trees and the sight of early evenings. My mouth does not open often, and my vocabulary is small, but I am busy with my thoughts and in my hands. I am not so alone.

I am not so alone.

Question of the blog:

Where have you found peace?

One Two Three

Photograph by Alexandra Seal

Smith Rock State Park, Oregon

Where Sailboats Go.

This was written as I sat on a bench at the beach in Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington. To those who haven't been here, it's a part of the ocean that is nestled in the mountains of Northwest Washington, and it almost feels like lakes and rivers, rather than the Pacific ocean.

Lori Goodrich Leaman departed this world today, after battling cancer. She has been a part of my life for what seems like the entirety of it. I played with her children when we were young, I took communion by her side, I saw her every week. Lori was the perfect example of who I want to be when I grow up.. A woman with full faith in God, who trusted and loved with her all her heart. My heart is broken today, and I miss her terribly. Read slowly, while listening to this song. Reflect and pray for Lori's husband, son and daughter, and all those that mourn for her. For those mourning the loss of this incredible woman, you are not alone.

I look to the ocean, but today it is not endless.

Behind it, forests, snowy mountains. The summer breeze caresses my tears down the sides of my face. Salty waves press against the rocks, brushing their rough edges with the gentle sand. The surface of the waves glitter and crash towards the shore.

And I am not alone.

She sits beside me, simple kisses from the sun to remind me she is there. Through the trees, like soft winks and whispers, sunlight rains. I am warm, everything inside me is warm. And for the first time in my life, the ocean doesn't seem endless.

I see the other side, and I will join one day.

The sixth of July, when pain is ceased and Home welcomes a new spirit. She is joy, she is faith. She is all that you asked of her, the good and faithful servant. So I walk to join her. I walk as far as I can, over rocks and sand. I want to be there, but I am stopped by the wind. My feet stay on the dry ground as I wave goodbye.

We rest where the sailboats go.

On the bridge with the others, the fishermen wait with me, as the sun yearns for the west. There are smiles on all their faces, because we know one day we will follow.

Into the west.

Transfiguration

Open.

Everything is white, and forest green, and a silver blue-gray.

I'm driving, it's warm inside and my heart is full and I can see that today is the day after a storm, with everything fresh and serene. We are muted, like I pressed a button on the remote, but I'm smiling and laughing, watching myself from the back seat. Mountain air and the feeling of a new day.

As we make ourselves up a hill, I see a semi coming down towards us, its body buckling. The front and rear are horizontal to the road, coming towards us and I know there is nothing we can do but look upwards. And I turn to you, and I look at your eyes which match the trees behind you, and you are afraid.

The sun is shining through the trees and the view pans out, to a beautiful landscape, separated by a thin line of humanity.

I say to you,

"Things are going to be okay."
I show you I love you, and reassure you. "Be calm, and rest." I am smiling, and I see pure joy flowing out of me and surrounding you. The air is still, and I look around all around us, to see things changing. The snow on the ground and in the trees, taking shape into the feathers of the most beautiful bird. Radiant wings of all that surrounded us, down to our own bodies.

This was the transfiguration of our lives.

It's The Smell Of Coming Home

"The smell of fresh cut grass makes me feel like everything is going to be okay."

Open Up

star wars shirt. running shorts. it's a funny day, with the wind blowing and the sun shining like it does every november. walking down the road, i can't help but smile. it's that still silence of the trees and fields. i'm shaky from the coffee i drank an hour ago. van morrison fills my ear. i'll take your advice and say fuck it all. tomorrow i'll chat with the art institute of seattle, los angeles, new england. what will i do, i'm not quite sure to be honest. lick my lips, pull up my hair into that messy bun you used to love. sit down at my computer and i write about children, and families, and communities, and societies. it's fun. next door my neighbors smoke in the living room, and they enjoy every second of it. and they love it and i love them and they love me. in the library, love is blooming from germany to norway and i can feel them smiling from here. it's the sound of going home. i'm in love with today and with you. thank you. beautiful ideas spill out of my mind onto this keyboard and come out completely wrong, but here it is. the french don't say i love you, but rather i am in love. that's what i am today. with nothing in particular, but with everything. and everyone. i don't have a lot, but that's what i do have. guitar strings without voices. sometimes this is just what i need. nothing is okay but i know it will be, and that's okay for now.

You Are In Me

You are reading in the sunlight

As the warmth surrounds your shoulderblades

Look up to see me smiling

And as I open my mouth to say a word

You bring your finger to your lip

To quiet my mind

Draw me in, like agape

Miss you no more, you are with me

Inside my heart still beats

Lean into your chest and you let me rest

Exasperated breaths slow, I am calm

As you sing me your lullaby once again

And I am drifting off to sleep

Question of the blog:

Who knows you better than yourself?

Life as a wanderer

Guided by freedom

Well traveled, never lost

Long road winding ahead

Hands open to serve always

Arms free, to hold this world

Feet moving one in front of the other

Eyes wide to see the world

Mouth closed, ears ready

Prepared for change

Heart available

Mind present

Receiving

Giving

Both Sides Now

It's raining. The sun in shining and the rain is pouring down.

My blinds are open, and I watch the rain like it's the last thing I'll do on this earth. It's the last thing I expected to see. A thirst the ground yearns so much for, is finally quenched. As I look outside at this beauty, I look at the other flats around my school. Every blind is closed, I am alone. I am alone to experience this moment, and wouldn't have it any other way. Stripes of water down my windows, and now it's gone.

We're All Fine

This brings me so much sadness today. As someone who feels as much as I do, I try and avoid exposing myself to tragic things. But after hearing stories after stories about how animals and people are being killed, and states such as Louisiana suffering from the oil moving to the beaches, I can't hide how sad this truly makes me. My thoughts and prayers go out to the families that have been affected and devastated by this, to the poor innocent animals that have to suffer from humanities faults, and to the ecosystem that has to take so much from us, and is expected to always be fine.

In Three.

The water is laced into my shoes

like threads that were always meant to be there.

We walk and capture all that is here

I never go this way.

This smile, you see, is one of many

she anticipates the days to come and what they hold.

Zippers hold all that's inside

keep me safe as I drive to new lands.

One I will call my home.

A Moment Of Childhoodedness

I live in a town that is about 45 minutes from the nearest shopping mall. Kids in my town call it a "trip" to the mall, or even to In N Out. When I was younger, I felt so left out when I couldn't go to the mall every weekend, because that was cool on Disney shows. But now that I am older, I sort of have a new opinion on shopping malls and the populars.
Even now, as I go to the mall to buy glasses or spend a gift certificate, I feel like I'm not one of "them". Oh, you know who I'm talking about.. Mall girls! (Not to be confused with call girls.) But really. Those girls at the mall that give you the look down because you're not wearing the shortest skirt, and you're looking in the sale rack. As a kid, I was mortified when I was seen wearing something deemed "unstylish" by the popular girls.
The other day, though, as I walked around the mall, I had sort of a revelation. I am so glad I am not comfortable here. I am so glad I am not a mall girl. I am a dirt loving, camp song singing, river swimming, unstyled hair, Nevada City girl. I always have been, and I am so blessed to know that today, and not have insecurity or uncertainty that I am not the prettiest, most up kept girl.
Sort of a childish moment in my life, but I just sort of needed that humble moment. I am so glad I was raised here, 45 minutes away from the nearest mall. Salute my shorts!

All Four

Spring is here. I finally see it! I am so glad I live in a place with four seasons. I always want to live in a place that holds all of them.

(All images from WeHeartIt)

I love the changes of the seasons. It's so beautiful to see how the earth weaves in this pattern, from hot to cold, dark and light. The thing I enjoy most about spring is the smells. Trees that carry a smell of pretty little blossoms. Flowers that fill a room with joy and fragrance.


I like summer for its power. The sun beats down and I drive to the river to bask in its heat. I like the jolt of cold when you first jump in the Yuba. The sunsets make me feel full at the end of the day, like today was an accomplishment in itself.


I like autumn for its colors. Autumn is sort of a lonesome stage of the seasons. The colors turn so incredibly vibrant as the days grow colder. I love seeing little animals collecting their food for the winter, especially squirrels with cheeks full of nuts. I like the dry feeling of Autumn.


I like that winter forces you in or out. I love the preparation that goes in to staying warm, and the surprise of new snow on the ground when you wake up. Winter is gentle, but cold.I like traveling up in elevation and seeing how the snow has laid itself on the mountains.

Question of the blog:
I like Autumn the most. What is your favorite season? Do you live in a place with all four seasons?

Lock and Key

Yesterday I had a photoshoot with my friend Alix. She and I had a great time driving around and shooting around Nevada City.


I rarely shoot with people who have tattoos, so it was really fun shooting with Alix and capturing hers. She has a beautiful lock tattoo over her heart, and her younger sister has a key over hers.




Alix and I both shoot with the Nikon D60, so it was great being able to share what we know and how we both prefer to photograph things.


We had an awesome day, and Alix and I are going to shoot again some time soon. It was especially fun to shoot with Alix because I rarely photograph people who are have experience modeling and have a similar style as her.

Question of the blog:
Alix just dyed her hair a couple of days ago from brown to Ariel mermaid red. If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be?

Daphne

Changing shapes,
explosions in the sky
blurred lines,
I wipe my eyes.

Patterns move,
we rearrange the light.
Your song,
it stays the same.

And Daphne sings her melody,
it's soft and true,
from black to white.
Lyrics whispered in your ears,
Daphne comes,
and rests on you.


Shifting shadows,
colors pass between us.
Sweet smile,
like coming home.

The surrender,
You and I, we drop it all.
Time change,
blossoms show.

As Daphne sings her melody,
it's right and well,
from black to white.
It resonates within your soul,
Daphne comes,
and rests on you.

Free Association Writings

Knees shake,
A balance beam between earth and sky.
The sun beams, the wind blows,
and we know it is beautiful before we see.

You and I,
we trek down to where our spot is.
Blanket, water, book, flannel,
one great rock to hold us as we bask.

River cries,
Tearing down the way it's always gone.
The cove we're in keeps us warm,
throwing sound around and above.

Bodies shiver,
winds snap back at us as we lay.
Little red, she writes and writes,
the free association that circles her.

Songs remain,
ones of intertwined fingers, yours and mine.
The banjo still plays in my head,
strumming with the river and the sunlight.

(Jillian Downs and I. Yuba River, 2010)

Their Eyes Look Ahead

Let me just indulge in some CS Lewis tonight. I am in need of it.

(all images stolen from a friend, who I miss dearly.)

"Little knots of friends who turn their backs on the "World" are those who really transform it." -The Four Loves (p.69)


"Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship, naked personalities." -The Four Loves (p.71)


"...We picture lovers face to face, but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead." -The Four Loves (p.66)

Lost?

Failed attempts at get togethers
Out of stock, forgotten essentials
Made me nauseated and sent me home.
But you write such beautiful music,
and you say the prettiest words,
songs on repeat that I'm too poor to buy.


Remembering what I need to,
finally shaving my legs (thank goodness),
tailgated to the river with one speaker out.
Read and I read and I get it,
I understand.
I relate.
Nap, tan, camera, you bring me happiness.


Beauty in the world around me,
I can't find the courage in myself today.
Fed up! Lost? Shaky on the way back up.
Off day, that's it.
You're staying healthy, remember?
I fight off the urge for Mike and Ike's,
and settle for a salad. Hmph.
I want that comfort food,
and my comfort far away.


Get well soon,
xoxo