The World Is A Hundred To One Again

So do what you can to anoint my head.

Oh God, where are you now?

Oh God, hold me now.

Transfiguration

Open.

Everything is white, and forest green, and a silver blue-gray.

I'm driving, it's warm inside and my heart is full and I can see that today is the day after a storm, with everything fresh and serene. We are muted, like I pressed a button on the remote, but I'm smiling and laughing, watching myself from the back seat. Mountain air and the feeling of a new day.

As we make ourselves up a hill, I see a semi coming down towards us, its body buckling. The front and rear are horizontal to the road, coming towards us and I know there is nothing we can do but look upwards. And I turn to you, and I look at your eyes which match the trees behind you, and you are afraid.

The sun is shining through the trees and the view pans out, to a beautiful landscape, separated by a thin line of humanity.

I say to you,

"Things are going to be okay."
I show you I love you, and reassure you. "Be calm, and rest." I am smiling, and I see pure joy flowing out of me and surrounding you. The air is still, and I look around all around us, to see things changing. The snow on the ground and in the trees, taking shape into the feathers of the most beautiful bird. Radiant wings of all that surrounded us, down to our own bodies.

This was the transfiguration of our lives.

The Day The Sun Was Shining

Good morning.

Eight wakes me. Existence greets me with community, and others. They clap their hands, we greet each other. I hear songs from my past, widening my heart to accept your gift. Young people, babies, love, doing their best. Thoughts jumble my mind and my stomach. Grape juice in cups that remind me of my past. My heart yearns and I open myself up. Broken cisterns. Come fill me. It's 10:30.

Jon Foreman guides me up North. I park in my favorite spot. Walk in shaking, too much coffee, or something else. It is All Saint's Day, and the occasion sends us to the Book of Common Prayer. I am home, as we say the prayers I have spoken since the day I could read. I am overwhelmed. We sing my favorite hymns.

Disregard everything, just listen.

Close For Comfort

i lay my head to think and pray

my body is wrapped like a cocoon

blankets hold my body tight

and my hair falls onto the deep purple

the sheets so beautiful and melancholy

as my eyes close, i feel a hand

placed gently on my head

so soft, such comfort in his hand

i try to close my eyes for as long as i can

knowing that when i open them,

the feeling of his hand will be gone

physically gone.

but in my heart, HIS HAND IS HERE.

Moving Forward

I have a dear friend from the East coast that is living in Idaho for the time being. In July, I will be visiting her and another lovely soul who is from the Northwest. We will be colliding all of our coasts and personalities and photos and ideas and adventures into 9 days full of complete and utter madness, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Chelsie, Symone, and I all met about a year and a half ago. Through now-somewhat-estranged friends, and some very life changing moments, I connected with these two and have remained good friends with them ever since. Last year they visited my home, so now I'm going to visit theirs! I can't wait for the adventures that take place. Among the many are:

1. The dunes plus bonfire

2. Yellowstone National Park

3. Bear World

4. Jackson Hole

5. Salt Lake City

6. Grand Teton National Park

7. Kitten shelter

I was hoping for a great summer adventure, and I am so grateful to have this opportunity to reconnect with friends I haven't seen in a while, and visit places I have never been to! I love traveling, I love exploring, I love adventuring, I love friends.

This summer has already been filled with many let downs, and changes in plans, but I am learning to make the best of the situations I am in. Turning those hardships into new opportunities has been a blessing to me.

God is teaching me continually, in the difficult places where He calls me to completely rely on His plan, to the blessings of relationships where love is truly moving. At this moment I am especially thankful for my lovely boyfriend, who is not only a person who inspires me to pursue what I love, but a man who encourages me to do the best I can, and to remain committed to what I do in life. But I'll brag about him more in another blog. hehe
As of now, I am feeling complete. I am so overwhelmed by God's work in my life. Where You go, I go.

Live, Laugh, Love

So maybe I'm a total Bitter Betty today, but I have always had a problem with this American obsession with the phrase "live, laugh, love". Mainly because when I think, if I could minimize my goals in life into three words, starting with L, I usually don't think of those three. Sure they're all great, but doesn't "living" just come naturally in life? So that's already a given. Laughing is nice, but I think the "learning" I have done in my life has been so much more meaningful and beneficial in creating who I am today. "Love" is an interesting thing. I encourage you to really find what you consider to be love, not some Americanized meaning that ends unhappily.
"Love as if you've never loved before." If you've never loved before, take this piece of advice. Never forget any moment of love in your life. Every drop of love you experience shapes you into the love you will keep forever. I have loved a few special beings in my life, and forgetting those times would erase very vital information I have learned through my experiences on this earth. Through love, I have learned what I want in love, what I deserve as a human being and as a woman of God. I have learned what love can be and what love will never be. And I am still learning! Through trial and error, and mistakes and success, you learn what love is for you.
So yes, I encourage you to live, and to laugh, and to love, but know there's a lot more to life than three words that are hung up on your door frame.

Time, Space, Doom, Dream.

Midnight is about to strike, and here I am with a big bowl of Annie's Mac and Cheese, nostalgia filling my ears as I soak in Winter, by Joshua Shank. Almost every blog I follow, shows an in depth look in a person's life. The vulnerability they type onto this page, the rumination, the free association, I wish I could do it. I wish I could spew my thoughts on here and have everyone read, and understand my inner most being... But you can't. In the end, not many people will read this at all. You will not understand me. But I'm going to try anyways, so here I go.
My dad has always said that I was the one with a plan. I make my plans a reality, and it happens. But as of the moment I threw that stupid blue graduation hat into the air, I lost all direction and view of anything that's going on in my life. College came quickly, and not the college I had always dreamed about as a kid. I drive a few minutes, pay my parking pass, and walk to class where neither I, nor almost anyone else in the class is excited to be there. There have been those few teachers, not professors, that have made a difference, that have left the semester while I hung onto their last words. I enjoyed Frank and his crazy passion for earth science. I like Kathy and her outspoken humor at retirement, while she taught us all about sociology. But I remain here and I feel as though nothing in me is changing.
You meet certain people in life, where their lives have been planned since day one. They do not fail at succeeding in those plans. Or maybe you meet those people whose lives were given direction the moment God showed them that plan for their life. That hasn't happened to me. I make plans, and they don't succeed. Or I'm pushed back, semester by semester. God has not showed me where I belong, whether I'm meant to continue in the direction of dental hygiene, or follow a road down psychology, or something I've never even considered before. There are moments that I feel as though I'm standing at a crossroads, but I'm so lost I can't even move. That's where I am... Stagnant. And honestly, it's because I'm scared. I am so freaking scared I can't handle it sometimes.
In giving advice, most will say "follow what you love, no what will pay you" or some motivational, hopeful, Hallmark sort of piece. Well here's what I love: security. I love knowing that say, as a dental hygienist, I could support myself and support my family. I love knowing that I would not wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing if I could pay my bills, or buy my children the food they need to survive. So there you go for vulnerability. Take it or leave it, this is how I feel.
When I said I felt as though God hasn't given me a firm direction to go one way or another, I did not mean that I'm forcing Him to do anything, but I'm not ignoring him either. I will follow God's direction, right now I'm just not getting any responses. I need no unconditional positive regard from Him. Just give it to me, on a plank, as is.
So there it is, all my fears about the future, for you to consume and take as you will.
I'm as scared as ever, about school, about the fact that I'm home still, after promising myself that I wouldn't. About Brian saying, "You better not be here when I come home, Zandra." I want to make it somewhere, I just have no clue what I'm doing anymore.
All I know, is that I want to love people, I want to follow God, I want to love someone with my whole heart, and be a best friend. I want to feel secure. And infinite. One day.

Winter, by Joshua Shank
I sang this with my choir, 4 years ago. I still know it almost word for word. This makes me feel infinite, just for a moment.


snow....snow
beautiful is the unmeaning
of silently falling
everywhere snow
two faces at a dark window
this father and his child are watching snowflakes
falling
falling over
time
space
doom
dream
while floats the whole perhapsless mystery
of paradise
mind without soul
may blast some universe to might have been,
and stop ten thousand stars
but not one heartbeat of this child;
nor shall even prevail a million questionings
against the silence of his mother’s smile
—whose only secret all creation sing
snow....snow
time space doom dream

I'll play this one more time, and drift into another night's sleep.

From The Heart

It's time I get this out of my system.
I've had a lot of thoughts brewing in my body lately, so many that it's become a physical pain for me. As I scroll through the list of hosts for WWOOFing sites (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) I have a lot of bitterness towards some, no, a lot of people that have been doubtful on my decision to participate in it. I feel like the moment I told a few people, they looked down on me like I've "changed". Like I'm not the girl they used to know. I've been feeling that a lot lately. Not even with just this decision, but with everything. My life choices are not the choices "the girl they used to know" would have done. Let me please explain something to you.
I am becoming more of the person I want to become, and no thanks to you. I live with good intentions and my eyes focused on the prize ahead, not of your expectations of me. What I participate in in my life is decided by me, and to be honest, I don't care what you think of me. On the topic of traveling, of working on an organic farm, I would have chosen to do this when you knew me back then, just as I am choosing now.
What is it with some people and the word organic? Does it make you think I will come back with dred locks, smelling like marijuana and worshiping other gods? Does it scare you that much? Wasn't is God himself who made this world and the plants organically? Wasn't it God himself who saw that it was good? It is our jobs as Christians not to destroy the earth, but to keep His creation beautiful. Give me a chance to learn more about that.
I am in no place to judge others. I fall continually and I can't even go a day without craving a freaking latte and I forget to read my bible. That gives you no right to judge me, though. I want to learn new ways to love and serve God and His people. Let me go on with my life.


I am growing up right now. I'm becoming an adult and it's scary. I am so anxious for the adventures that are to come to help me become the God-loving woman that I know He sees for my future. Why can't we all just support each other?
Thank you to my parents, and to my boyfriend, who are continually supporting me. Your faith in me means more than you will ever know.

And To Dust You Shall Return

(Image via Google)

"Lent, in Christian tradition, is the period of the liturgical year leading up to Easter. The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, penitence, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events linked to the Passion of Christ and culminates in Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ." To read more about the Lenten season, read about it on Wikipedia.


What I have given up/added on for Lent:
1. Read bible every day. I should be doing this always, but every day distractions get into my head and my mind goes elsewhere. This is a time for me to get back into the habit of studying and learning more about my faith, and the history behind it.
2. No lattes. Or any cafe drinks besides plain coffee. Incredible, I know. But really, I have a hard time buying a three dollar latte just because it's a little better than a cup of coffee that's half the price. I am not buying lattes, and if I desire caffeine that much, I will just buy a small coffee. I need to work on keeping cash in my wallet, and not spending it on frivolous things.
3. Attend class and Bible Study Fellowship without fail. I know this seems like an easy one, but it is difficult for me. I get tired easily, or I'm not feeling my best, and I start thinking about all the other things I could be doing besides going to a class that I know doesn't take attendance. I have been doing really well attending class, but I know from the past that around this time, I start to get lazy.
4. No talking behind people's backs. I always say to myself, "I don't talk behind people's backs often.." But I, like almost everyone, do all the time. This will be a difficult thing for me to follow through with, so if you ever hear me doing such, call me out. I need your help with this.

Almighty and Everlasting God,
You have given the human race
Jesus Christ our Savior as a model of humility.
He fulfilled Your Will by becoming Man
And giving His life on the Cross.
Help us to bear witness to You
By following His example of suffering
And make us worthy to share in His Resurrection.
We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son.
Amen.

Question of the blog:
What are you giving up for lent this year?

Taking The Bull By The Horns?

Okay, here we go, guys.
I apologize profusely for my lack of blog posts, and lack of complete interest in the recent ones, but I promise I'll try and be better, and funny, and cute, and whatever you want from me. I'm cutting myself open here, now accept me!

But on a real note, these are my 2010 New Years Resolutions. After days of editing and trying to figure out text that transfers from Word to Blogger, but here we are, with images of text and South Africa and such as! Enjoy.

(ps I see on this first one I forgot to crop the top of it enough. ocd ocd ocd)

(AHHHH WHY DID I NOT REALIZE THAT RED SQUIGGLE OF DESTRUCTION? Kill me.)

So there you go, in all its glory. If you have any ideas where we can share these New Years Resolutions together, or we can help each other with both of ours, let me know! If you haven't already caught on, I love new years resolutions (and I still spell resolutions wrong every time I type it). Also, I want to get better at cooking.. But I'm not going to spend more time adding another image for that one.

Question of the blog:
I had a very vivid dream last night, one that I was sure I would remember when I woke up. Unfortunately, all I can remember is rooming with this psycho girl and driving around really nice slums. Which type of person are you?
1. Dreams a lot, and remembers them.
2. Dreams, but can rarely remember.
3. Rarely dreams, and a miracle if you remember.

More Than A Feeling

More than...
What can be printed on a plaque for me,
more than what this world has to offer,
I'm giving myself up to the
sheer beauty
of this world.
The difference between you and I
is more than how we say hello.
I have feeling, I feel it all,
and I love every moment of it.
I'd take that love and passion
over anything else in this
s t a t e of e m e r g e n c y .
But I'll say welcome home, and I put a smile on.
Peace be with you,
If you believe in that.

Hello, Goodbye.

Breathe in, out.
Pause.
Slowing down, speeding up,
you press the button and roll back.
I love you
has never been so beautiful
than when it came
from a dying man's lips.
Thank you,
I love you.
I will see you in heaven.

Today Is the Day

I choose my fate. And I am joyful. I will make the decisions for me, I can stand up for myself. I will work hard for what I want. Thank you for helping me along the way. For picking up the pieces I forgot. For holding my hand when I need it most. For being my friend. Let's be friends.

Completely.

I just finished Mere Christianity.
And I feel like C.S. Lewis and I would have been best friends if he was my age.
So, for those who haven't read C.S. Lewis before, here are two little thoughts he shares in this book that I just thoroughly enjoyed.


That is why the Christian is in a different position from other people who are trying to be good. They hope, by being good, to please God if there is one; or- if they think there is not- at least they hope to deserve approval from good men. But the Christian thinks any good he does come from the Christ-life inside him. He does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the rood of a greenhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it. -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, pg. 63

Love in this second sense- love as distinct from 'being in love'- is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it. -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, pg 109


I could honestly quote this book all day with all of the things I felt hit home with my thoughts, but I'll save the excitement for you so that you can experience the book for yourself. I highly recommend it. Now, onto the rest of his books. My boyfriend lent me the complete C.S. Lewis signature classics and I am STOKED.

Question of the blog:
What was the last book you read? Would you recommend it to other people?

Can You Paint With Alllll The Colors Of The Winddd

I was thinking about photography today, as I sat by the river and looked around me.


Sometimes little pictures flash in my mind, so I take a photograph.


I feel such a connection to photography because it is sort of like a display of how I view those little snapshots in my brain.


I wouldn't count myself a great photographer, but I find such passion in the hobby and pleasure in the result because I feel as though I have learned to recreate how I view things sometimes.


That is where I think good photography comes from- the soul of yourself.


So that's why I'm passionate about the photographs I take, because in them I feel like I can recreate that little bit of heaven I see in everything.


And I think that everyone has the ability to find heaven in the things around them. Whether it's photography or not, recognizing and capturing that beauty is important.


Seeing the heaven around you, recognizing it, capturing it. And sharing it with others, in hopes of opening their eyes to see that God is all around us and the beauty he has created on earth is just a glimpse of what is to come.

Question of the blog:
I love photography, but I will admit it: I'm awful at black and white photography! I think it's because when I have those little mental snapshots, I imagine them with such vivid color and contrast, I can't take that away in my photography. Another weird thing about me, is that I almost always dream in black and white. So my questions for you is, 1. Do you prefer black and white or color photography? and 2. Do you dream in black and white or in color?

Mere Faith: Raised On Holidays

I met a nice man today at work (I worked at Caroline's today. First time working at little store in over a year). I didn't catch his name, so we will just call him Bulgariaman. As I was making drinks for him and his surely high maintainance girlfriend (or at least what I got from her phone call to him), he saw I had been reading Mere Christianity. After a bit of small talk about The Chronicles of Narnia and such, he asked if I was religious. I explained I was raised in a Christian household and that my dad was an Anglican priest. When I was around 17 I experienced much religious freedom and was given the opportunity to decide for myself. I chose Christianity anyways.
I asked Bulgariaman about his faith, and he said, "I was raised... Confused." He explained that his mom was Catholic and his father was Jewish, so he was raised with both religion's holidays. "Then they both said, 'eff it,'" Bulgariaman said, "and we all stopped altogether. Now, if anything, I'm probably Buddhist.. But I don't know any of the sayings or anything."
Okay.?
I finished his drinks, he paid for them and proceeded to the door. "Have a nice day," I said, just like I say to everyone. "You too," Bulgariaman replied, still standing there. I said I'd see him around but he replied with "I'm heading back to Bulgaria, so if you're around in a year I'll see you around!"
It truly makes me sad to hear about situations like his family. Faith has to be the single most important thing in my life, and I can't imagine failing my child like that, making him think that his faith is reduced to mere holidays and an "eff it" point of view. I will not fail the family of my future like that.

Psalm 30:11, 12

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give your thanks forever.
-Psalm 30:11, 12

Photo found on deviantart

Glimpse Of Heaven

Tonight I saw the prettiest meteor I have ever seen in my life.

Lying on a tan lawn chair
My head resting on a shoulder I enjoy so much
A warm black blanket to keep the wind away
Looking up at the stars,
and I feel like I could look into eternity.
The stars shine and they move,
Like God is continually winking at me.
A father saying, "Good job."
"I love you."
"You are beautiful."
And it is beautiful.
As one small meteor was thrown across,
another passed.
They were here as fast as they were gone,
dainty and fragile like a child you just met.

What I love about meteor showers, is the unexpectancy.
You look and you search, but it is not you that's doing the work.
God will bring you the gift when He brings it to you.
I turned my head upwards,
and there it was. The most stunning piece of artwork I have ever seen.
The meteor was strewn across the sky so far and with such elegance, it left a trail behind it that took my breath away. I didn't expect to see such a beautiful sight tonight, and not at that moment.

God has placed some incredible moments in my life that were not expected. Some moments felt tragic, others felt like complete miracles. I'm not talking about moments in nature, but the experiences I have with other people, and the things I have gone through in life. As I thought, "Where have you been?" tonight, I know that God has spent a lot of time preparing me to be the person I am today, and that he put previous experiences in my life so that I could be this person.
I am learning how beautiful life is when you just open your eyes, with your face turned towards God. That is when you catch glimpses of heaven.

Adventure Itch

I am home. And I now have an incredible itch to get out of here...
San Francisco is on my list, and I think I'll be going in the next week.
But I want to go somewhere that I've never been before!
I want New Zealand. Or just mountains. Backpacking and rivers.
Sleeping outside and spending time with God in nature.
I want to see foreign faces and be with people who want to be with me.
I don't want to forget to read my bible every day. I want to stay
i n s p i r e d
and awake in my walk with God. I've got a couple of people in my life right now that I think will be big helps in that.
Looking back at this summer... I cannot help but smile.
My heart is smiling really big.

Question of the blog:
If you could pack your bags right now and hop on a plane to anywhere, would you? If you could choose one place in the world to travel to, where would you go?

Girls In White Dresses With Blue Satin Sashes

This week has been lovely. So here are a few of my favorite things that happened this week:

1. Singing Christmas carols in July with my cabin
2. Lifting my hands and spinning around
3. Falling asleep under the stars with all of Junior Adventure
4. Waking up with bible studies
5. Tooth fairy surprises
6. Praying with Marcelina everywhere and anywhere
7. The cup game at meals
8. Dancing under the stars
9. Appreciating other people on random occasions
10. Being able to worship God in everything.

Question of the blog:
What was one of your favorite things about this week?