Going Right

Miles D. Buckley and I wrote and recorded last week. Listen here!

Dream Interpreters Welcome

I was there, with you, in an apartment unlike the real one. There was a small dog, and as I held it, I saw his wire teeth, sharp and metal. They bit into my hand and my life blood was pouring out, all of it. I went outside. I got a phone call. We talked like nothing ever happened, you sounded just like yourself, your voice so clear it was as though you were right next to me. We were friends, it was so beautiful. I went to my sibling's apartment, but she left me. I was there with my father, and out of nowhere came a young, pretty little black cat. I was scared, I didn't know what to do. I put her in the bathroom, but the door was raised so high from the ground I knew the cat could escape. Panicked, I called my sister to ask what to do, and she was shocked to hear of a cat in her house. She was convinced the cat had hatched from an egg under her bed, that her previous cat must have laid the egg before she left. Frantic, I pushed a towel under the door of the bathroom so the cat would not escape, and my first thought was, she is starving. I ran down the street, so afraid I would be the cause of the death of this poor kitten. My legs became weak and wobbly, I lost myself trying to find a Petco. I found it, and as I walked in, a girl from my past walked by. She was pregnant, and looked beautiful. I was unnoticed. I could not find the food for the kitten. As I ran to the last aisle, my legs giving out, I began to wake up.

Stay asleep.. Stay asleep.

I made my own destiny now. My legs were strong. I knew exactly where the food was, and I had enough money to buy her the best. As I walked out, my favorite family from my childhood was there, they were celebrating in a crowd. They were joyful, for the first time in years. We saw each other, and I smiled. I was running home to feed the cat, and then I opened my eyes.

I was much younger than I am today.

See, Smell, Feel

Snow. Fireplaces. Warm brownies. Incense. Clean laundry. Kitty cats. Warm lighting.

This is my home.

Dear San Diego,

Bye. I think today I'll make my way up the coast today. See you on the 29th, sucka!

Love always,

Alexandra

After Day, After Day

wake up. stretch. smile. open. dress. drink. wander. search. give. receive. create. learn. understand. attempt. sing. listen. pray. set. meet. interpret. create. destroy. shine. undress. lay. dream.

repeat.

It's The Smell Of Coming Home

"The smell of fresh cut grass makes me feel like everything is going to be okay."

November

It's November, and I have no idea what I am doing.

But life keeps going, and the world keeps turning,

the waves keep crashing, the sun keeps rising,

the days keep passing, I keep smiling,

you keep loving me. Please.

How Good?

Friends like you? So good.

Big Heart

Don't you ever underestimate a girl like me.

Open Up

star wars shirt. running shorts. it's a funny day, with the wind blowing and the sun shining like it does every november. walking down the road, i can't help but smile. it's that still silence of the trees and fields. i'm shaky from the coffee i drank an hour ago. van morrison fills my ear. i'll take your advice and say fuck it all. tomorrow i'll chat with the art institute of seattle, los angeles, new england. what will i do, i'm not quite sure to be honest. lick my lips, pull up my hair into that messy bun you used to love. sit down at my computer and i write about children, and families, and communities, and societies. it's fun. next door my neighbors smoke in the living room, and they enjoy every second of it. and they love it and i love them and they love me. in the library, love is blooming from germany to norway and i can feel them smiling from here. it's the sound of going home. i'm in love with today and with you. thank you. beautiful ideas spill out of my mind onto this keyboard and come out completely wrong, but here it is. the french don't say i love you, but rather i am in love. that's what i am today. with nothing in particular, but with everything. and everyone. i don't have a lot, but that's what i do have. guitar strings without voices. sometimes this is just what i need. nothing is okay but i know it will be, and that's okay for now.

I'll be fine, just not here.

Go, lovely rose.

zing!

You Are In Me

You are reading in the sunlight

As the warmth surrounds your shoulderblades

Look up to see me smiling

And as I open my mouth to say a word

You bring your finger to your lip

To quiet my mind

Draw me in, like agape

Miss you no more, you are with me

Inside my heart still beats

Lean into your chest and you let me rest

Exasperated breaths slow, I am calm

As you sing me your lullaby once again

And I am drifting off to sleep

Question of the blog:

Who knows you better than yourself?

The Day The Sun Was Shining

Good morning.

Eight wakes me. Existence greets me with community, and others. They clap their hands, we greet each other. I hear songs from my past, widening my heart to accept your gift. Young people, babies, love, doing their best. Thoughts jumble my mind and my stomach. Grape juice in cups that remind me of my past. My heart yearns and I open myself up. Broken cisterns. Come fill me. It's 10:30.

Jon Foreman guides me up North. I park in my favorite spot. Walk in shaking, too much coffee, or something else. It is All Saint's Day, and the occasion sends us to the Book of Common Prayer. I am home, as we say the prayers I have spoken since the day I could read. I am overwhelmed. We sing my favorite hymns.

Disregard everything, just listen.

Darkness Before The Dawn

jd, i see what you see.

the heart

im coming home, i promise.

Seasons Will Change

You are my summer.

but what should i do when youre not there, and all i need in the world is that comfort of your presence? you are all around me, no, i am all around you. i think i am starting to see, the only time you come back is when i pull away. a constant game of tug of war. will this go on for all eternity? will we always have to play these games to get that one moment of pleasure? the quest to feel complete has left me empty.

It is the fall.

Imaginary You

you came for me, but i am nowhere to be found. i was there long before you were ready. timing never works in our hands.

internal monologues have been spoken all day.

Question of the blog:

do you have internal monologues?

Propaganda

Giants won the World Series this year, so my friend Brian and 3 other nice kids got tattoos.

Ah, the therapeutic burn.

We went to Propaganda Tattoo on Voltaire Street in San Diego. Such a wonderful place with a great vibe and even better people. How small is this world? Well, Steve, one of the tattoo artists, heard Brian talking about the 5-3-0 (my area code) and said, "Oh, Grass Valley? I lived there for 13 years." CRAZY. He talked all about The Crazy Horse and all of his good times hanging out by my old work. He spoke about Scary Jerry and mutual friends, and the Del Oro theatre.

It was good to have a moment back at home.

A Storm Is Coming, Frank Says.

How can I say it any better? Looking down, the water curls into itself. Record highs. It swallows me whole as I focus on my heart beat. On wooden planks over the ocean, ready to be taken away. Old souls, mixed up mind, and again the pier shakes like an earthquake. The water rises, then falls. I am still looking down. As the host stares into me, I try to turn away, but I am drawn to you. Power and pain. Close to tragedy. Putting my walls up in preparation for the storm. I don't want it. I separate. I look to my cornerstone, who embraces it all. To be ready and willing for all things, oh how I long to be more like you. I can see a lot of life in you. Remain facing the waves, like a bird, plunging into the water. Do you look back at me? Let me rest. I am not afraid to die, to see you.

At last.

we'll keep circling round and round, trying to find that connection. none. but you're not giving up yet, are you. persistence was always your strength. oh, you are stubborn as a mule.

Voices In The Night

I'm happy to hear from you.

So happy.