Wednesday, December 26, 2012
God knows that fear was in your eyes
Whose fault was that when it fell on me?
Dandelions keep you in this open field
With a heart closed, so full of bitterness
Even open air seems to suffocate you
If only those lungs could fully inhale
Then peace could at last hold you
Monday, December 24, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
And I hope he takes those ridiculous thoughts into action to realize
That good people are just normal people, and that it's easy to be
That goodness should be human nature because it is found in nature
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
And you have proven to me that the law of attraction truly exists. Though, I wish that my proof would be from positive moments of speaking about you with dreamy memories. My reminders of you that come out in my words always, without fail, send you straight to me. I loath you, and I will always loath you. But I find fault in myself, because the fact is that I still offer you energy.
The other day, I released my emotions to an incredible vessel.
I told C that I often felt like I needed to beat the shit out of you before I could resolve my pain.
"That's okay," he said, "I'd hold him for you."
Monday, October 22, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
"Put a smile on your face!"
It was said to me as I walked down the street, heading back home after a long evening of spilling our hearts out to each other. My new favorite friend was honest, she told me some saying about secrets I can no longer remember, but the idea remains in my heart. I appreciate her, and her sweet smile, and open arms. I see us growing through each other.
"Oh, it's here!"
and I smile, and he laughs. And I keep walking down the street, up the hill, turn right. I see my lovely four legged friend through our window, and I am reminded that of all the company I could have in the world, my nights are best spent snuggled up by my canine.
I am smiling. Thank you, stranger, for your therapeutic smile.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
One year since I said "thank you" to you, as Aunt Judy held the phone to your ear. I wept. I still do. But I never forgot what you asked of me. You have watched how your death did not halt my life, my adventures. In fact, your death only inspired me to live louder.
In the last year, I became a server at an incredible restaurant. I took charge, and was a great leader in my work place. I took risks in my relationships, and traveled for them. You inspired me to love unconditionally, and I worked hard for what I thought was right. I still work hard for what is right. You told me to not give up on myself, and I didn't. I wish I could tell you in person how heartbreaking and empowering it was to make the choice to move where I wanted. I wish I could call you up and cry about how much I miss certain things, people, situations. Including you. You would be so proud of the unconditional love I am learning to give to children. You would be proud that I tried my very hardest in massage school. A few years before you even became ill the first time, you wrote my dad a letter. In it, you said that we weren't allowed to miss you too much, because "this is what I was born to do." Highly spiritual, so beyond what I can fathom, your connection to God is one I yearn for.
But today, you would say that I have the Can't Help Its. And it's true. Because today, all I would really like is you again.
My sweet Gaga, grandmother, Betty Louise Houston Seal.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Are you happy?
He asked as we sat there, sitting across the room from each other. He has a kind heart, gentle, and intriguing. I was confused, wondering if this was a loaded question.
Yeah, I'm happy. Are you happy?
Very, he said. Very happy.
He rested his head, smiled, and fell asleep.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Your shortness of breath has always stood out to me-
When it's heard, I think of the fall, black and whites-
A rasp that come from deep within your heavy lungs
As if something is trying to get itself out, it's been trapped for years-
And maybe, maybe that is just what it is...
Your will, navigating through life, searching for its right path-
Waiting for the perfect time to release itself from down under
Into the clean, fresh air that we call what will be-
I want that for you-
And your warm skin, soft from river trips and sun baths-
Each limb waving like branches in its favorite storm
As I watched you move with the drum, song, sound
And it moved us to a greater sense of inner mysteries
Do you still think of me? Am I a positive memory?
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Wrinkled eyes, sweet smile
I am so interested that one day
I'll find what was originally meant to be
Your first number, the beginning
I'll never forget your heart
Genuine, more than anything
And your sense of giving, and forgiving
But until then, I have this
The second, the replacement
I took M's advice and was a woman,
Not just a lady
But I'd really just rather be a lady.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
In some ways I feel as though it may just be your problem, not mine.
Late nights with no one home
Afraid of all these things uknown
Arguments come from within
I see no new path begin
Wondering if I search or stay
As I wake up clouded every day
You lay there in your natural state
I'm connected like I've never been before
You've found the best love, it's you and me
Here we --
A deep red, verging on purple
Mixed with long kept secrets
Poured into a well used glass
He and his American spirit.
With high hopes and no expectations
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
It wasn't about me,
He said as he drank his morning tea.
New light was strewn across the room in which I have spent hours, maybe even days, asking for advice and making plans.
It has never been about you,
And I look up into the skylight, wondering, why can't it be about me just once? It's another cloudless day, one that will heat up quickly and seem to go on forever.
But it's never been about me, either.
I suppose, in all this separation, he is right. And I am brought back to reality, where I see him aging and I think, for once in my life, I'd love to see someone care for him as selflessly as I have. How come it can't be all about you, just one time? Know that I think you deserve it.
Question of the blog:
Who do you know that you think may deserve an extra special I love you or thank you today? Why don't you say it already?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
In the end, no matter how "qualified" I am, I'm still not very qualified. I don't have a specific skill, degree, or passion. I generally like to save money, serve others, and work as little as humanly possible. Searching through our local newspaper, CraigsList, and hearsay, I've found so many companies looking for work, but nobody wants to work for them. Look them up on Yelp, and on average have around 2 stars. Pathetic! And that's just what I told myself. After thinking about this for a while, my mind started to wander.. And this is what it came up with.
I think the job that I would flourish at, would be someone who came into businesses, set them straight and told them what they were doing wrong, re-hired people of actual potential, and then set them free to do what they need. Like that restaurant tv show, but with everything. My thought is, if you're getting reviews that your customer service sucks, why on earth would you exclusively hire snobby hippies that don't like to talk to people that aren't fellow snobby hippies? If no one wants to work for you, why on earth would you keep running a business that nobody enjoys? I'm sure you don't enjoy working for yourself, either! It's just so sad to think that businesses in my home town aren't trying their damn hardest to be a 5 star kind of place. If they all were, I think our town could potentially have thousands more tourists, and who wouldn't want that?
Unfortunately, I have no history or skill to do this kind of job, but it's a thought. Maybe one day I'll walk into one of these places, tell them straight up how it is, and how I want to work for them, and maybe I'll actually get hired. Until then.. Let's hope BriarPatch liked me enough that I can get discounted groceries and a part time job. In that order. Mmm.. Food..
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Alas, I have lost 3 versions of my resume today, as well as spending 2 hours filling in an online template that ended up wanting to charge me $6 just to save the final product. Needless to say, I am beyond fed up with writing my Experiences and Skills. Or lack thereof.
I have been invited to live in a very interesting home, ironically down the street from my family's house. I think this is going to be an incredible experience. Lots of learning, lots of loving, lots of creativity and minds being open and hearts being worked.
Please, God, open my heart and my eyes to see the beauty in all people. Please send me reminders that I am loved and that I am making the right decisions. Please inspire my imagination through these new experiences. I am going to wake up tomorrow, and this is all going to work.
Let's start it all over.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Although you think no one sees, I am all seeing
I am all watching, I will find you, in the deepest depths
The Taurean within will surprise you, in the worst way
I will make certain of just a few things:
One, you will never have the chance to hurt again
Two, the beautiful light will never be shown on your hideous face
Three, I will destroy every good word of you
And my rage will consume you, forever
Although, as I write these promises, I am confused
I start to see both sides, the relationship between you
And I see that neither of you ever loved this
This soul is once again alone, shattered, defeated
Fuck you, for defining my existence
This promise is made to you, and to you:
Crossing my path will be the worst fate you will ever choose
And I swear to all that is above, I will keep that promise
Like you never kept for me
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
See who you will be, but I can predict it already.
You. ESFJ. Your heart is large but you can't show it.
A feeler of all things, I pray in these coming years, you are allowed to express it all.
I think of you often, always keeping you in my prayers.
Although memories have yet to be built of me...
Deep down, I hope you know a few things.
Don't you ever forget the love I have shown.
Always remember to be adventurous.
You are loved, unconditionally.
Even if it's just by me,
That can be enough.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Annoyance - Anger - Rage
Red shelled flying creatures
Zipping drunkenly through my safe space
Their noise, a low drone
Crashing and picking themselves up again
Shit, I scream, ducking my head. As these unidentified flying objects swarm closer to the ground, each lap around us. I see the shell, a burnt orange, a warning sign. My heart pounds, not races. No, it is a steady, consistent thump that starts in my head and ends in my stomach. You are not here. No, the flying things took you away. All that is left of you is the shell of your lifeless body, burnt orange, wingless.
One, in the background
Monday, June 18, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
There are certain moments I wish I was a better writer.. or at least, one who could write pages worth of words. Unfortunately, I find beauty in the simplicity of a simple poem, ones that I rarely even show my closest friends. I am not more proud or feel more accomplished with the ones I post here, but I merely have the time and means to press "publish". Maybe because I don't feel the need to defend the ones posted here. I have no expectation for you, the reader, to feel anything after reading my words. In the end, these ruminations, oftentimes associating themselves in rhythm or rhyme, have absolutely nothing to offer to the world. I am satisfied in knowing this. I expect nothing to come from my ridiculous attempt to write what you might hope to be beautiful works. If you enjoy generally peaceful, regularly erratic, uneducated words, then my hope is that you feel as if you're not wasting your time. In the end, I hope I can look back on Meticulous Markings, and can somehow strewn together a path that signifies the course through my life. Positive pieces and negative nothings. I hope you get something out of it, too.
Question of the blog:
Do you write? Do you enjoy your pieces? What inspires your favorite way to express yourself in art for?
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Turn around if you feel anything,
I said to them in my mind. Turn around.
I am falling-
My favorite red shoes graze the sidewalk, then gravity becomes me as I am sent forward. In this moment, the memories concocted throughout the weekend flood my eyes, and for a moment, I am experiencing it all over again. I am telling him to slow down, but the policeman's lights are already tracking us. Red and blue, red and blue, red and blue. Lights. My right foot has lost balance and the drain takes advantage of my inebriated state. Then comes the smell of Southern Comfort, vodka cranberry, Keystone, and I could vomit once again. I throw my right hand forward, as my face comes closer to the pavement. Wine tasting and stretch limousines. Cold pizza and pinot noir. Seeing my best friend in love with such an admirable woman, one that I pray I can one day be half as lovely as. My elbow meets the street first, grinding like sandpaper. Being so proud to watch them turn their tassels, on the verge of tears as I see my inspiration. Left knee meets the ground, I am going down. 6 am and we are drinking at the bar, which was just as busy only 4 hours before. San Luis traditions I am grateful to be a part of. Right hip makes its final descent, and is abruptly stopped.. A meeting I know will be coupled by purple and black in days to come. Humbling moments and gratitude of the giving souls surrounding me. Free flowing tears and smiles on the steps outside your home.
I am back. As my eyes open and I start to sit up, the ones by my side rush to see if my broken body is okay. Adrenaline prevents me from crying from the pain, but my heart breaks as I watch my favorite bracelet of beads snap. One by one, each sandalwood bead heads toward the gutter that just took me down. I am filled with more memories, of being 10 years old with these prayer beads, of having Tibetan monks blessing them when I was a kid, of using them every takeoff and landing for the past decade, of the Coptic priest blessing them in the Holy Sepulchre.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
This month, I get to celebrate my darling Newo Ikkin. Last year, she adopted me into her heart. In these twelve months, we have traveled over 7 states, we've moved to San Diego together, we camped, backpacked, hiked, and played a minimum of 365 games of ball.
Our lives have been totally different since we've been together. I've learned a lot of patience, as well as putting her before me. I've learned to love someone completely, despite their flaws; and I think she has, too. It's been a wild adventure so far, and I can't wait to spend many more years with my little Woofus. She does a perfect job at loving me, through her affectionate heart and her persistent nature. Even in the darkest moments of the last year, she has been a great light for me. It's so comforting to know that, even if she is an animal, she loves me unconditionally. And I love her too. Mushy gushy, stuff, I know. Get over it.
Question of the blog:
JUNE is also the month that I get to celebrate my sweet sister's birthday. We live two states away, so it is very hard to get together to celebrate with her. I hope I see her again soon. What does the month of June represent for you?
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I don't understand the now before the then.
Question of the blog:
Do your dreams feel like reality? How do you deal with stress and frustration?
Monday, May 7, 2012
Wondering what life would be like with your sweet hands on my face,
The sweet comforter you were, providing the world with confidence
And a sweet grace that humbles, always conscious of the world around.
I yearn for your advice, your knowledge and experience of life
That darling smile, shining eyes, the way you forgive, and help me forget
Makes me never want to forget, and you know that I never could.
The heart you left me with is empty, and I hold it alone as I wait for you
Or, I suppose, as you wait until I join you once again, in a new world
One bright morning, as the light pours into our home in our hearts.
I will miss you forever, my sweet.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Living life in San Diego is very strange without Andy in it. I've gone 2 days without him and my schedule is so empty without his companionship. Seriously considering going to a Padres game by myself tomorrow just because I have no one to go with. All my friends down here are married. I'd almost rather be working... almost.
Question of the blog:
What do you do when you're on your own for a few days?
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I specifically eat handfuls of trail mix with a maximum of 2 m&ms in it, so that when im at the bottom of the package I just have a million m&ms. I don't know what this says about my personality but I'd like to ask a psychologist.
Question of the blog:
What's your favorite snack to munch on?
Partly cloudy skies and positive energy
Feeling tired, like my horoscope predicted
It got every single thing right today
From my wellness, to my work ethic.
Now a chance of rain, we head to SeaLife
I have a headache, I miss Nevada City
I want to be at the Yuba, not a place like this
Looking at water through glass walls
Making plans to see my greatest friends
Ruminating on the things I have yet to do
Goals I did not complete on my timeline
Things that bother me every night and day
Whatever I'm over it.
Monday, April 30, 2012
<p>First day back at "work" in san diego. Currently sitting in the Target parking lot while Alex naps. I am in a dilemma, because I need dog food and new pants (I have a massive rip in the crotch of my jeans), but don't have enough for both. Also I have no food. Newo pups comes first, though. Which is humbling, and of course I do it with joy. <br>
I am practicing serving with joy. In Israel, I was able to practice all the time, and the repetition was so good for me.
In short, my trip to the Holy Land was nothing short of life-changing. Not only was it a vacation from EVERYTHING I consider to be normal life, but it was everything I needed to be inspired in my walk as a Christian woman.
I saw Jewish women my age, weeping in the Western Wall tunnels at midnight. I rode on a boat across the sea of Galilee, and swam in the Jordan River. I drank wine in Cana, and sang in a church in Tabgha. I walked the streets of the old city, and received blessings from a Coptic priest. I saw Golgotha, and touched the walls of the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem.
It was all amazing. I practiced patience, experienced bible stories, sang ancient hymns, ate REAL Mediterranean food. My only regret is not forcing Andy to come with me. I missed him terribly. I missed my dog. I missed speaking to Miles, being challenged by his words and being inspired to be the best of myself.
But now, I am home, and what I keep with me from this trip consists of photos, memories, and a few trinkets. Just a few days ago, as I looked across Armageddon and the Carmel Valley, I wept as I felt the spirit comfort me, for I did not want to leave. But as life goes, we are continually moving, growing, exploring. And I am thankful for each blessing. It's bittersweet to be home, but my memories wont fade.
And I'l be back.
650 photos to sift through, once they're edited, I'll post them here. A huge thank you to Miles for reminding me of my passion to sing and to photograph. Without that reminder, this trip would have been nothing.
I've attached the only picture on my phone I took on the trip. Hopefully that holds you over until the real ones come.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Looking back at what was
I find myself recalling
The night that I felt infinite
Riding down the hill
Chills from the north winds
And bulky sweatshirts piled
Clear skies hold a full moon
And our blazing souls below
Our best friends beside us
Perfect peace on our faces
Coasting as I thought
In this moment, we were infinite.
This night, of all nights
Will remain deepest in my heart
I shared my inmost being
With the pavement and the stars.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
And after speaking to one of the most inspirational people in my life today, I realized a few things.
1. I need to write more
2. I need to sing more
3. I need to photograph more
Thank you for inspiring me, my dear friend. Just watch.. by the end of this week im going to have proof I did all these things. And soon enough they'll all be back in my routine.
I love you.
And happy Easter to all of you. By His wounds we are healed.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
11 random things about myself:
1. I believe in Big Foot.
2. About three days after I adopted my dog, we went to the Yuba River. It was still raging and totally unswimmable, so I went with a friend to sunbathe and maybe dip our toes in. I was lying out, getting my tan on, when all of a sudden a feeling came over me like my dog was in trouble. I look around and I couldn't see her. She had jumped into the river! It was whitewater where she was, trying to climb up the slippery rocks. In a moment of hysteria, I jumped in, grabbed her 55 pound body, and threw her back onto the rock. Somehow, neither of us drowned. I mean, I can barely swim in a normal pool, let alone a raging river.
3. I love my hands.
4. My toes are currently painted a horribly bright pink/orange color but I'm too lazy to take it off. It's winter, anyways, and no one can see them when I'm wearing socks (which is always).
5. I think Twitter is a joke but I have it so I can follow Shit Girls Say, my best friend, and my amazing sister.
6. Brussels Sprouts are the worst.
7. I work at a place where I can survive by only working 2 or 3 times a week, about 5 hours each shift. I feel very blessed I don't have to work often. I have worked 4 nights this week and feel exhausted.. Which makes me think, I may never be able to work a 40 hour week ever.
8. In 2011, I drove through 7 states, 6 of which were alone with my dog.
9. The pictures in my computer are organized by Year > Season > Month > Event. It is probably the most organized part of my life.
10. I really do love baseball!
11. I am a firm believer in all things HOLIDAYS! and I love celebrations. I have dressed up every year for Halloween and trick-or-treated for 19 of them.
Questions Moorea asked!
1. Who do you feel most similar to in your family and why?
I feel most similar to my dad.
2. What do you wish you could say to yourself at age 13?
3. How do you treat yo self?
I love to take myself out on dates. Whether it's a wonderful meal at my favorite restaurants, or days at the dog park with Newo, I love to treat myself well. I didn't do that much when I was younger, so I consider it making up for lost times =]
4. How do you try to improve yourself?
On Christmas I made a choice to change my diet. I am eating more local, organic, vegan meals. I see how it benefits me every day! I am at a great weight for my height, my skin is clearer, I sleep better, and have no signs of depression.
5. What/Where is your favorite place to go in your town/city?
The Yuba River
6. What was your first job?
Barista at Caroline's Coffee Roasters in Grass Valley
7. What was your worst job?
I am a hard worker, and I find a lot of comfort in the fact that I am able to make money and save it. I have never had a bad job. If I did, I would quit and find a new one. There is always a way to be in the right place and doing something you enjoy.
8. What are you proud of in yourself?
I see myself becoming a woman, and it's a woman I know my grandmother and godmother would be incredibly proud of.
9. Do you have a guilty pleasure?
My Pandora stations reveal my deepest guilty pleasures.
10. Who inspires you most right now?
The ones who overcome.
11. What is something that you wish you could have made, invented, created or designed and why?
Anything that would make enough money to live comfortably.. And something I could be proud of. Think clean water, not a guillotine.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Question of the blog:
Do you like Michael Jackson's music? Which song of his is your favorite?
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I have had an incredible 7 months with my darling dog. Currently, Newo is having a puppy dream, and is probably kicking ass and takin' names in her imaginary adventures, just like her real life ones. We're so weird. Together forever. Love you Newo Pups, now move over so I can go to bed!
If, when you bring your family to a fancy sushi restaurant, you also have to bring an iPad so your 5 year old can play games on high volume the entire meal, there's obviously some parenting issues going on. For goodness sake, the only person paid to deal with that is a babysitter, not a waitress. The way my parents raised me was a little like this: I played, I had fun, I could be loud, but when I needed to be on my best behavior, I was on it. No excuses. I rarely see that as a waitress.
The things that I will not allow when I am a parent.
Question of the blog:
Do you think you'll ever have children?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
healthy . vegetarian . well . in moderation . less . and feeling more satisfied
So happy for inspiration from everywhere. After getting a new blender for Christmas, watching a few documentaries, and putting in the effort to eat well, I feel awesome. In a matter of weeks I feel better, my body looks better, I'm losing weight and sleeping better. This will be a grand year.