Meticulous Markings

On this day, in one year, I will be something very different. Maybe not what you'd have expected, but I'll be it nonetheless. I'm going north, whether you wish it of me or not. Stacks of chords rest in front of me, filled with inspiration in future tense. I am not thrown off by fear or pain.. no, I am more confidant than ever before. And just you wait and see what is in store!

Three

The tension in your voice. The strained, high pitch of your "I love you" and "I miss you" always left me in question. It was something I never understood before, that sound in your voice. But tonight, I heard it again. "And I'll see you soon, hopefully sooner than you think." To be honest, I never saw you again. I only see the shell of who you once were. And I finally interpreted that tension, tonight I finally did.
You were lying.

You knew I needed you
And yet you kept your distance
I told that story of us today
The one I never tell anyone
And I was reminded
Of just how much I hate you
For abandoning me when I needed you most.

Electric

The dominant hand crippled, most intensely on its side. I felt the sting at my wrist, the tendon strained from being worked all day. It's an electric pain, unnatural and wiry, which pulsates in unusual ways. When I allow fear into my life, I worry that I have permanent damage. In my worst, I become fearful with the idea that I would lose my ability. I am doing something about this tomorrow.

Reach You

My heart wished for nothing more than to be comforted by that warmth. As a child crawls onto their bed at night, I reached for your heart and climbed inside.

Ever Changing

My heart, content
With the idea of ever changing
My heart, widening
With every interaction had
Tidbit of information that's given
Conversation finally received
My heart, at last being heard
With each moment of embrace
All connections being made
Every fucking second
Folded, or melted, or woven,
Yes, woven,
Opened to a new life.

Blossoms

Greeted with a smile,
We exchange hello's and I receive.
Close the door into my safe zone
And I sat down, alone, and wondering.
My fingers grazed the box in front of me,
Wandering every corner before opening it.
The room was dark, as was my heart
The mail was foreign, difficult to open.
I would be lying if I wasn't honest,
Did I even want this love?
My hands opened my gift, and out of nowhere..

The ceiling opened up
Revealing the bright blue sky
Cloudless, with blossoms raining
I was amazed to see such a wonder
But I wasn't shaken.. I was home
I looked down to look at the mail
Which opened itself
Like a chick leaving its shell
And colors came forth
Blue, red, yellow, childlike hues
Inflated in front of my eyes
And balloons grew out of the box
I watched as they released from their space,
And descended into the sky
They let go
As did I that day

His Wings

Through the years, I watched as he grew like trees, though swaying in the wind, ever stronger. I think he feared me, for some unknown reason. Was it that I showed him new life when other were still wrapped up in the past? One time, moons before now, he held my hand, and it did feel like home. I look back with positive thoughts.. my intentions were good, and for once someone saw it.
We danced today. Through lush fields of green that would surely fade to camel in the coming weeks. He was a free bird, yet he never stayed far away. I watched him in his open state, he is grounded and graceful. I saw his heart open to the sky when he lifted his arms, his wings. Looking upwards as the summer rains fell, the moon man released all the love within. He caught raindrops on his tongue, spinning in circles with arms outstretched. As I wept with joy, I knew what was next.. he was free to go back to the universe.

Rapid Eye Movement

No longer believing in paradise
She slept through her life
Letting go of the present reality
And attaching to her dream cycles

Soul Sister

Capturing pictures of Newo yawning and trying to make a similar face. This is one of my favorite hobbies. Get over it kbye

"And I Miss You So Much."

I heard your voice today. It was slow and soft, and I knew you were telling the truth when you said you were laying in your bed. You told me about my good qualities. You spoke to me with great longing, and for one very small moment, I smiled. First, it was the feeling of being so special.. then it was the "oh thank God this is over."
You disappeared, but your history lingers. One day it will take me longer to remember your name. One day I won't ball my fists when I feel you in the same room. At some point, I will forget you ever existed. I will keep the good memories and release the imprint of you in my life. You no longer need to exist.

"But what if it didn't happen?"

To erase this message, press 7. To save it, press 9.

The Canopy

I wandered.
Through valleys, at first.

But I chose to face West, and I headed towards the woods. To the omnipotent redwoods, where green vines wrap closely to them. All is connected, interwoven with deep layers of beauty. And mysteries. My feet are grounded, pressed firmly to nature's floor. I plant my broken bones and allow the veins in my body to descend underground. Body grows below and above; as I become deeply rooted, I am extended. Ascended. It is all known to everyone. My arms reach upward to find the strength of the sun. Moments become time, days become ages. I yearn for the stars, but the elders hang over and hide me from freedom. Patience is my only hope, as I press on into the earth, building roots into the unknown.

Has it been a moment, years, centuries since I first sank into this ground? My bones are tired, but they remain strong. Often, in the dead of night, I long to uproot myself and continue in the desert. Will I always feel this way.. so empty, so estranged?

But then, sunrise. I am touched, I feel the warmth of not being by myself, yet I don't know who is by me. It is a radiant light filled with warmth. The Comforter. I am reaching the top, I am finally there. The Canopy.

Driftwood Dreams

I took the trail down to perfection
A place of joy, with deep emotion
How many times did we discuss
There was never a disconnect with us
Sharp turns, and we had to slow down
You interpret that as drifting alone
I saw it as an adventure downstream
You sang your usual melancholy theme
No way of getting out, you are trapped
The first glimpse of a way out, you snapped
I traced with my fingers, you painted me
Imagined us not you and me, but we
The afterman woke me up from my dream
He kissed my eyes, my ears, reality
You were my holiday, but let's get back to real life.

I refuse to sink.

It Was Beautiful, It Was Brutal

Maybe my memory's just repressed.

Your Armageddon

Where were you when the world ended? I called for you, begging you to be here, holding me as I held your sweet soul. I ran down the staircase as fast as I could. People were screaming, rushing to nowhere. Large glass doors with gaudy accents of gold and silver opened to the outside world, as I watched water rising from earth. She was on a grassy hill that morphed into the color of concrete. Everything did. Geysers collided with downpours of rain, hail, snow flurries. The clouds opened and released screams of bright colors. The earth was monochrome, and I felt you. I imagined where you could be, and I found you. I opened my eyes to the realization that I wasn't meant to be in your armageddon.. you chose to face it without me.
My soul released, and I was no more.

Bringing Out My Best

What will bring you joy and confidence today?
Which qualities can you throw out today?
Who brings out the best in you?
My working hands, big heart, connection to others. My compassion, laugh. My love for you, for Him, for her.
Judgement on others, negativity towards myself. My secondary emotions, regret, insecurities about the future.
A future bride, an unconditional father, a businesswoman, someone who will travel, a yogi, the one who makes me smile.

Western Montana

You asked and I spoke
Of the winding roads I took
Lush green trees and fields
A road which paralleled the river
My heart was shifted then
After you burned that bridge
I felt alone, if only for a moment
Then took to the road
Eyes forward,
I wasn't alone in that time
Just without you,
And I am grateful

Footprint

I went to the zoo. We saw wolves, otters, and meercats. I got to see how big a hippo's adult foot print is compared to my hand. It was cold and cloudy outside, but my heart was so warm from the sweet company and companionship.

Enter through the wooden doors
Stained from wet weather
Host to beautiful greens and browns

I watch as the beautiful ones enter inside. They spend their times with wings and sounds, and I watch their wonder. I took the time to sneak away, watching little feet wander over cobblestone, hearing the wilderness and the trees, feeling the frozen air sneak under my layers.

But then I placed my hand in yours
Pressed my palm and felt your callouses
I thought, how big could this be?
Opened my mind and my heart

Strong & Grounded

Digesting my color vibrations.

It Was Just Right

Collection of writings I haven't completed lately.

--

I watched him as the tears in his eyes blurred his near perfect vision. "He says today. He says, 'today is the greatest day in the history of the world.'" And at that moment, I knew he was right.
__________________________________

Heart took me to a place I've never been. Emotion with such depth, I could not see the end. Was I afraid? Yes. It was the lack of definition of the fear that sent my mind to darker places. But in the end, the tunnel came out where I feared. In the future I will expend less energy on such matters.
__________________________________

Do I hold those feelings for you?
Where is it that they channel to
My heart of frustration, or regret
Hoping that I could somehow undo
Wishing we had never even met
__________________________________

But in another time,
the stars aligned
we were together
and it was just right

My mind wanders
and your heart does, too
__________________________________

Yes, the words scared you away
..
But you were my Graceland

To Free From

The word of the week is:
RELEASE
To free from confinement,
bondage, obligation, pain;
TO LET GO

Be A Little Braver

(Image Via WeHeartIt)

Swag has no rising value

Cracked As Easily As True Nature

We drove east. Roads sent us up winding pathways, and black ice lined every twist. Some were cautious, other were confident. It reminded me of the first time I ever drove through a storm. My best friend on my right, creating songs in his head before he spoke it into a microphone. And the words came to me again, in complete connection to the past and the present. One in the same.

Times are getting strange
Crossing paths without chains
The days are getting shorter
And the ships roll out in waves

Let's Stay Under The Covers A Little While Longer

I'm in a town that is sleepier than I am.

Marker

Talking late at night, her voice was a reminder that I still had someone close. We can both take a step back and view things logically, at least I think we can. And so we did that. The gratitude I feel is more than anyone knows.

"I needed a marker for the change."

I'm glad I'm not the only one that needed the new year. And now we move forward, and seeing her chutzpah makes me want to have more of my own.  

The word for the week is
Fluidity

But You Were There

Wooden planks to balance upon
Walking with you, and talking
Standing side by side, but separate
That's how we want and need it
And I am grateful, you know that

Desires and wishes discussed
Honesty poured from a tall bottle
Laughing those natural laughs
I know you missed seeing them
And I am sorry, you know that

Time to reflect here on my own
You were off in the distance
Too far to see, but you were there
I was confident of your presence
And I am here, please know that

Taken

I see it as a sign of impermanence
That not one photograph was taken of you.

I Can't Be Mad At You

"Please get mad at me.. Scream at me, or something.."

(Image Via WeHeartIt)