Very Interesting

My Celebrity Look-alikes. 

Jessica Alba? Beyonce Knowles? All of these people are way too good looking. Some of my friends have done this and they look SO similar to celebrities. I don't think I look like any of these people! 

Go Away. It Is Well. You Are Not Back There.

Sufjan Stevens - The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!

I just woke up from the most stressful dream. My phone (like always) freaked out and wouldn't stop playing the song I use for my alarm, and now it is off as I write this.

I don't really know where to start, so I guess the best way to say it is, most people didn't like me when I was in middle school. I was not popular. In 6th grade my friends alienated me for a new girl, and spent their lunches running away from me so that I didn't have anyone to eat lunch with. I felt completely and utterly alone sometimes. That's when I got the first signs of depression.

My dream was set in present day, and I don't really know what the event was, but it was with everyone I graduated with. We were in a big venue that reminded me more of a house than anything else. I could not find any of my friends, so I went into this dining room and sat with people that I went to middle school with. As I walked in, I could remember a story about every one of them.. I wrote that guy a secret love letter. That girl hated me. He dated my friend when he knew I liked him. 

I sat down at the last chair in the farthest corner. I started eating my food, trying to join in in conversation, but nobody listened. After what seemed like eternity, Ronnie Nolan, sitting next to me, turned and said, "Yeah.. I hope you still don't hate any of us." I had this flood of memories that brought me back to when I felt completely, and sincerely alone. I was, at that table, alone once again. As I was about to speak, another girl piped in and said, "You're still the same girl as you were then."

I'm still the same middle schooler that everyone hated. I'm still that girl with short hair and the bandanas. I'm still the one that never had lunchables. 
I turned to her, and I really wish I could have remembered what I said in the dream, because it was epic. I stood up for my middle school self, telling her I was not the same girl but even then I was too good for them. As tension rised I could feel more and more eyes on me. No, not on me, on little 6th grade Alexandra with short hair, no boobs, and crooked teeth. 

That girl sitting a few seats down for me was making me relive my nightmare one more time. And I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless, no one was there to protect or comfort me. The best I had were Ronnie Nolan and Kemp Stanford looking at each other like, "what do we do?"

The girl and I got up. She was sick of talking over people. As she came in closer to me, my heart started beating faster. She told me I was worthless. I haven't grown up. I never will. She told me I was ugly. I told myself all of this.

As I got more and more angry, I told her what I had wanted to tell everyone back in middle school.. "Why don't you just hit me? Why do you have to say all of these things?" I said it with force. It was a beautiful, angry force coming out of my mouth.

As I went in to hit her, I realized her size. She is so much bigger than me... What am I doing.. Why am I here. Why did I ever sit with these people, the people who brought so much pain in my life. I throw my last attempt at her. 

"You are useless. You always have been."

I have given up.

I turn back to Ronnie and Kemp and say, "You are forgiven."

I walk like a child taking its first steps.

The Predatory Wasp Of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!

I jolt awake.

My cell phone will not stop playing.

Go away. Go away. It is well, Alexandra. You are eighteen. You are not back there. 

You are not back there.

It is well. I am eighteen. I am not back there.

I am not back there.

I am not back there.

Boredom Takes Over

Stole this from my friends at BYU. What interesting questions!

5 Random blurbs of my personal philosophy:

1. Everything is beautiful
2. Everything will fall into place
3. Music is all around us.
4. God will not leave you.
5. Learn real love, and then you will create peace in the world.


5 Questions circulating in my head right now:

1. How do I make myself motivated to get good grades?
2. What happens when Mike leaves?
3. How do I fix the relationships I have messed up recently...
4. Why am I not considering the lilies? 
5. Am I being unreasonably mean to myself lately?

5 lines that are currently stuck in my head:

1. Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free...
2. It all will fall, fall right into place.
3. I'm happy just because, I found out I am really no one.
4. Oh blessed am I, that I may sing thy devotion. Oh blessed am I, that I may sing. Oh blessed am I.
5. I believe in a free Narnia.


5 things that bother you:

1. Ingenuine smiles.
2. Plaque.
3. Bad parenting.
4. Apethy in friendships.
5. Knee caps.


5 things that I think about when I'm told to go to my happy place:

1. Sleep
2. Comfortable sofas
3. Looking at the stars
4. Cafe Mekka
5. Nicaragua


5 things I want people to know about myself

1. I don't care about myself, but if you hurt one of my friends I will stick it to the man.
2. I am constantly working on improving myself, whether it be physically, spiritually, or emotionally.
3. My life seems to be going to fast. 
4. I am overwhelmed by beauty. I cry often just because I am so captivated by God's imagination
5. What I want most in life is to be a wife, a mother, and a Christian. 

Christmas Travels

All is dark as we make our way to Sacramento. I wake up occasionally to Bella taking the entire back seat over, and I scrunch up to the window. Five in the morning. My thermos works  exceedingly well, and as I write this at 8:30 at night, I am finally able to drink the tea I made 15 1/2 hours ago. I woke up to fields all around us, and they were playing tricks on my eyes. Close to Bakersfield…We stopped at a Chevron station. In the bathroom, with no toilet seats (sick.), someone had scratched,
“Jesus is Lord -
Messiah -
Believe -
Repent -Live Forever”
Into the paper towel dispenser. Of course, we played the Chanticleer Christmas album, and sang along to it all. Oh, choir. How I miss you.

I feel like I should not be in my car, but Mike’s old Honda Civic with him, Annie, and Molly. We should be listening to Jason Mraz as we drive through the dinosaur mountains and making faces at everyone  in Philip’s car.
Over the summer, some of my best friends and I road tripped down to Seal Beach and went to Disneyland. We wanted to go again before Mike went on his mission and Brian did his internship, but it didn’t work out. Oh well. I would have liked to spend new years at Disneyland with them.
I’m glad to have these couple of days to spend with my grandparents, although I am sad I am not going to be in Disneyland tomorrow like we all wanted.

Chanticleer fills my ears with wonderful sounds.
Failed attempts at watching August Rush.
Chapters of Stardust.
We roll down the windows to feel the salty air, and my fly-aways tickle my face.
In Seal Beach, we go on an In N Out run. Always a must.
Christmas seems gone, and the beach is in eyesight.
My thoughts are scattered, and I want to be home for New Years… But I don’t think I will be…I wish I had internet at my grandparents.

As I look around here, I don’t think I could ever call Los Angeles home. Give me the mountains, small towns, community, winding roads and four seasons. The forest, and fields. Flannel for the cold nights. The River! The smell of nature and the rain. Clear nights where all the stars are shining for you. Small book stores. Yes, yes, yes!
I sit at Portfolio Café, drinking a latte and glancing down at my henna tattoos on my feet. I should probably cut my fingernails.

Tomorrow, we shall spend our gift cards like champs at Nordstrom Rack.
Lunch on the balcony of my great Uncle's apartment in Laguna Hills.
We will lay on the beach, but the water will surely be too cold to swim in.
I'll take my chances and wear my awesome yellow swimsuit, and wade in the waters of champions. 

New Years Resolution

Ah, yes, another year has gone by. So fast, I might add. I remember writing 2008's New Years Resolution list like it was yesterday.. Here is the list, and look at all those completions. I feel so much more productive than I thought!

Resolutions for 2008
1. do what i want sometimes. - Completed.
2. dress in silly/pretty/things people may not like, any day. - Completed.
3. get lots of new music. - Completed
4. learn not to take the smallest things personally. -Sort Of Completed.
5. go to marble mountains and/or royal gorge this summer. - Failed.
6. watch more movies. -Sort Of Completed.
7. read more books. - Completed.
8. start using capitols and punctuations. - Completed
9. not sleep through chamber choir ANY MORE! - Completed.
10. stop being afraid that people will not like me. i realized that thats just life, and some people will like you and some people wont, and i shouldnt get as offended as i do. -Life Long Goal.

Hmm... What will 2009 bring me? I guess I should start planning. This resolutions list better be good, I have a feeling I will be learning and growing a lot. Yipes! Let's see...

Resolutions for 2009
1. Learn to be happy alone.
2. Get better sleep. Meaning no more staying up past 12:30 on a regular basis.
3. Spend lots of time with the little sister. When I was 13, I always felt very alone.
4. Improve/expand vocabulary. 'Nuff said.
5. If not work at Camp Hammer this summer, at least volunteer for 2 weeks.
6. Learn to control my emotions.
7. Stay fit!

8. Read more books.

9. Save money for new camera. Nikon D50? D80?
10. learn to stand up for myself. Do what is best for me!

11. Stop being afraid that people will not like me. I realized that thats just life, and some people will like you and some people wont, and I shouldn't get as offended as I do.

Blog Slump

Lately, the creative juices in my brain have not been working... and I have all these awesome ideas for blogs, but cannot write them well. I have drafts and drafts of these ridiculous half-blogs that are so not worth posting. Just wanted to say sorry for the delay but hopefully Christmas will get that creativity flowing again, if not Christmas, then Long Beach on the 27th! Holla!
Merry Christmas my dear blog readers!

Really?...REALLY?

Tonight I had to work. And I was sick. Ugh. Worst.
And there was this party of 12 that came in.. That became a party of 20... That became a part of about 30 or so Grass Valley wonders of the world. Probably the least classy people I have ever seen. Let me tell you, I did not ever think I would see a party of people spend a total of $950 on sushi and sake. Just thought I would let you know that if you go to a small restaurant with that many people, get completely smashed and take up the entire room and scream and yell, I as your hostess will probably hate you. Just sayin.
On the bright side, I made bank tonight!
And tomorrow, bowling party with the sushi q friends! Huzzah!

Scratched Knees and Love Letters

"It's funny. This, uh... This necklace reminds me of this really random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was cryin' for one reason or another. And, she was just like, you know, cradling me and rocking me back and forth. I can remember seeing the little balls in this thing just floating back and forth. And, uh... And there was just, like, snot dripping down my nose, right? And, uh... She gave me her sleeve... and she told me to blow my nose into it. And I remember thinking, even as a little kid, like... 'Wow.. This is love.. This is love.'" (-Garden State; Written, Directed, and starred Zach Braff. Filmed in 2006)

The other day at church, in one of his sermons my dad was talking about comfort. Dictionary.com describes the word comfort as to soothe, or reassure; relief in affliction; consolation. It's really too bad that the American culture has reduced the word comfort to that overstuffed, overflowing with cushion, tan sort-of-suade material lounge chair. The word comfort to us means sitting down on a huge sofa and watching tv.. But that's not comfort at all!

During my dad's sermon, he told a story about me. (Of course I can't tell it to you as well as he did, but I will try my best..)

It was the day our family left England, and I was four at the time. While we left church, we walked away from our village, all waving their hands goodbye. Everyone was crying, including us. As we came home, I was running to the house, and my four year old legs tripped and i scraped my knees on the gravel.

Turning around to look at my godmother, a stoutly and well fed woman, I stared with tear filled eyes, and I just ran to her. She took me up with her loving arms and held me as I cried, and she cried too, knowing that I was leaving so soon.

Gosh, even writing that story makes me cry. Not completely of sadness, because unfortunately my godmother died a few years ago, but of knowing that this woman loved me so much, that now when I think of comfort, I think of her. She was my first true memory of comfort and love. Her birthday was on Christmas day, so even though I am ecstatic about the holiday season, it makes me sad to know that my family can't call her after opening our Christmas presents to wish her a happy birthday and happy Christmas.
A few months back, my dad walks into my room and says, "I just found this...It was in on my dresser.." It was a letter, and he didn't remember when it was from, I'm guessing just a few years back."You are all the world to me. You still brighten my life and I love you very much. All my love, Nellie."
Every time I read it, I cry. It makes me feel so loved, even now that she is gone. Her shaky writing from her arthritis, and the fact that she put in 20 US dollars for me.. I will never throw this letter away and I will always look back on it to remind myself of what comfort really is, and the love Nellie had for me. I still can't get myself to spend the money, or even put it in my wallet. That $20 has stayed with the letter.


This was like the hardest blog to post ever, and I've written it in pieces over the past week because it's been really emotional. It's really hard to find a person that you can truly find home with.. That was my godmother. I know I have found my comfort in other people, and I have found home in other places, this was just my first memory of it... And it will be in my heart forever.
Last week my friend Miles reminded me of a song I heard sooo long ago, and he and I have been listening to it a lot recently. So this blog is dedicated to the one I love, my dear godmother. Rest in peace. I love you forever.