Monday, January 12, 2009

Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts.

Today is the first day of Sierra College's spring semester 2009. Music Appreciation class = awesome. My friend Justin wants to take a voice class with me, so I might drop out of Ceramics. But then I would have to take another class because Voice is only 2 units and I need 3. So then I was thinking I could just take the math class I have been dreading, because I failed it last semester.
I just want to cry. I don't like school. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I want to be a Christian. I would settle for a crappy job to have those things.. But then I think about the women I know that never went to college, and I feel like they live such deprived lives. They are stuck at home, and can't find a job now that their kids are out of the house. 
I have to go to college. I just hate it so much. It is the first day of the semester and I am already thinking like this! I want to take the math class because I feel to some extent I am letting my family down by taking easy classes. Yet I feel worse when I take hard classes and fail them.
Looking on the Cabrillo website, huzzah for the 2 year program to get my dental hygiene squared away! But holy crap... 5 days a week for 2 years from 8 am to 5 pm. And there is a 2 year wait. What will I do for 2 years? 
I keep thinking about how over Winter break, a few of my friends said to me, "Zandra, you better be out of Nevada County by the time I get home from my mission." "Promise me you won't become even more of a townie."
I want to just crawl in a little hole and cry right now. Today I feel hopeless. Sierra sucks. Classes suck. Math sucks. Sushi Q sucks. Nevada County sucks. Everything sucks. I am such a child. I keep thinking about the dark night of the soul and wonder, how crappy does my life have to get to feel like that? I guess we'll see come April. I am thinking happy thoughts.. I am thinking happy thoughts...
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.. Freshly baked cookies with a cold glass of milk.. napping all day with my favorite person.. Hearing new music that's sweet to my ear... Beautiful Sunday mornings and my dad's sermons... Think happy thoughts, Alexandra..


Rachel.d.Hurley said...

I know somewhat, exactly how you feel. I start school again tomorrow, except for me its high school. I want nothing more than to just drop out and go travel for a while. or just skip through high school and move on to better things.

Alexandra said...

Agreed. I would love to be in Nicaragua right now.. Or England. Chunks of my heart are left in both places so whenever my heart aches I just want to escape there.