Monday, January 12, 2009

Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts.

Hi. 
Today is the first day of Sierra College's spring semester 2009. Music Appreciation class = awesome. My friend Justin wants to take a voice class with me, so I might drop out of Ceramics. But then I would have to take another class because Voice is only 2 units and I need 3. So then I was thinking I could just take the math class I have been dreading, because I failed it last semester.
I just want to cry. I don't like school. I want to be a mom. I want to be a wife. I want to be a Christian. I would settle for a crappy job to have those things.. But then I think about the women I know that never went to college, and I feel like they live such deprived lives. They are stuck at home, and can't find a job now that their kids are out of the house. 
I have to go to college. I just hate it so much. It is the first day of the semester and I am already thinking like this! I want to take the math class because I feel to some extent I am letting my family down by taking easy classes. Yet I feel worse when I take hard classes and fail them.
Looking on the Cabrillo website, huzzah for the 2 year program to get my dental hygiene squared away! But holy crap... 5 days a week for 2 years from 8 am to 5 pm. And there is a 2 year wait. What will I do for 2 years? 
I keep thinking about how over Winter break, a few of my friends said to me, "Zandra, you better be out of Nevada County by the time I get home from my mission." "Promise me you won't become even more of a townie."
I want to just crawl in a little hole and cry right now. Today I feel hopeless. Sierra sucks. Classes suck. Math sucks. Sushi Q sucks. Nevada County sucks. Everything sucks. I am such a child. I keep thinking about the dark night of the soul and wonder, how crappy does my life have to get to feel like that? I guess we'll see come April. I am thinking happy thoughts.. I am thinking happy thoughts...
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.. Freshly baked cookies with a cold glass of milk.. napping all day with my favorite person.. Hearing new music that's sweet to my ear... Beautiful Sunday mornings and my dad's sermons... Think happy thoughts, Alexandra..

2 comments:

Rachel.d.Hurley said...

I know somewhat, exactly how you feel. I start school again tomorrow, except for me its high school. I want nothing more than to just drop out and go travel for a while. or just skip through high school and move on to better things.

Alexandra said...

Agreed. I would love to be in Nicaragua right now.. Or England. Chunks of my heart are left in both places so whenever my heart aches I just want to escape there.