Today I got a letter in the mail. It sort of went like this.
Dear Alexandra Seal,
Congratulations on your sixth month with your boyfriend today! In honor of this glorious occasion, we are letting you know you are now on academic suspension for the next year and a half. You should drop a class you are now in, preferably ceramics, the class you chose to take instead of a yet another difficult class, to prevent you from getting stressed out.
Instead you can take a class intended for fellow retarded students who failed a class last semester, because you obviously have some learning to do. In this class you will learn how to properly manage your time and how to generally not fail at life.
We thought that your life is going so smoothly right now with losing your Saturday night shift at work, and the fact you are in dire need of 1. a new phone, 2. a new bedroom door, 3. a new car and 4. possibly a new life if obtainable, not to mention you feeling completely useless and that you have lost far too many friends recently, that this would be really great for your self confidence and over all well being.
We also forgot to mention your crazy change in diet because soy and other processed foods have messed up your organs so badly. But don't blame us for that. Besides the fact that the Cabrillo Dental Hygiene program has a two year wait list and our counselors didn't tell you that, that just means you get to stay here even longer! More quality time between us, my greatly appreciated friend!
Sorry about the printer in the computer lab not working this morning, and that you were late to the class with the scariest teacher known to mankind. But good news! Along with all of this, we would also like to give you a ticket for your car for not having a valid permit visible.
Have a great day, oh and the parking violation needs to be paid within the next 21 days.