Thursday, March 19, 2009

Pushing On

Wow. Sometimes life can get very discouraging. Bad news or a loved one moving, changes in plans or just a lack of joy in your soul... Life can throw crazy turns in a matter of seconds. Sometimes we do this to ourselves, and I can definitely say I throw more at myself than God does. I seem to make and break my goals, my plans, all of it so often. It's heartbreaking, sometimes I just feel like a complete failure. But then, God just pulls a string or twists and lever and my life doesn't seem so blue anymore.
One of my favorite things to do when I am sad is drive through banner mountain. When I can fly through the trees in my car and roll down all the windows (except the driver's window, because it ceases to roll down any more)... I feel free. I feel at peace. I feel God. 
I am no longer planning on working at Camp Hammer this summer. I am no longer planning on attending Cabrillo College in the fall. I am no longer planning on moving out. These are all so frustrating and heart breaking to me. As an almost 19 year old.. I feel the want to be an adult. College friends away from home, feel blessed. You may still feel trapped, but feel the comfort in knowing you are not under your parent's roof. You are not surviving off of their food. I must thank my parents eternally for their lenience and patience with me while I am home. I thank them so much. I am just ready to be a little more independent.
Anyways... Those three things I mentioned above about plans changing, the thought of it just kills me. I feel like a failure that I can't work there, or go to Cabrillo, or move out. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I take everything personally. But today, things are looking a little better. I am applying to Wolf Mountain Camp in the mountains of Nevada County right now. I have an interview with them on Tuesday. I am making plans.. I am being productive. If I don't get the job, I will at least be able to say I tried. 
Two of my best friends are coming home this weekend. Two of my new friends are visiting this weekend.  My boyfriend of 8 months (slash 10 months) is here. We are adventuring to Reno tomorrow two pick up a few, and then to Sacramento to pick up the other. I am so blessed. I am content. I have joy in Christ and I have faith and hope that He will give me rest. The sun is shining on my bare shoulders right now, and I hear the distant sound of the tambourine and the mandolin. Beirut gives me lovely memories. I am happy. Everything will be okay, Alexandra.

Question of the blog:
Do you have a favorite place to drive to/through, that helps you forget about everything and brings you peace?

1 comment:

MiSaO1990 said...

Zandra, everything will work out for you. There must be some reason that you didn't have the plans work out. There is a bigger and better plan for you. Also, you can always come visit me up in Idaho if you need to get away. I'll be here until July!! :)

And, when I am home, I drive to Mt. Rainier or the waterfront. I love the scenery, and I feel close to God at those places.