Midnight is about to strike, and here I am with a big bowl of Annie's Mac and Cheese, nostalgia filling my ears as I soak in Winter, by Joshua Shank. Almost every blog I follow, shows an in depth look in a person's life. The vulnerability they type onto this page, the rumination, the free association, I wish I could do it. I wish I could spew my thoughts on here and have everyone read, and understand my inner most being... But you can't. In the end, not many people will read this at all. You will not understand me. But I'm going to try anyways, so here I go.
My dad has always said that I was the one with a plan. I make my plans a reality, and it happens. But as of the moment I threw that stupid blue graduation hat into the air, I lost all direction and view of anything that's going on in my life. College came quickly, and not the college I had always dreamed about as a kid. I drive a few minutes, pay my parking pass, and walk to class where neither I, nor almost anyone else in the class is excited to be there. There have been those few teachers, not professors, that have made a difference, that have left the semester while I hung onto their last words. I enjoyed Frank and his crazy passion for earth science. I like Kathy and her outspoken humor at retirement, while she taught us all about sociology. But I remain here and I feel as though nothing in me is changing.
You meet certain people in life, where their lives have been planned since day one. They do not fail at succeeding in those plans. Or maybe you meet those people whose lives were given direction the moment God showed them that plan for their life. That hasn't happened to me. I make plans, and they don't succeed. Or I'm pushed back, semester by semester. God has not showed me where I belong, whether I'm meant to continue in the direction of dental hygiene, or follow a road down psychology, or something I've never even considered before. There are moments that I feel as though I'm standing at a crossroads, but I'm so lost I can't even move. That's where I am... Stagnant. And honestly, it's because I'm scared. I am so freaking scared I can't handle it sometimes.
In giving advice, most will say "follow what you love, no what will pay you" or some motivational, hopeful, Hallmark sort of piece. Well here's what I love: security. I love knowing that say, as a dental hygienist, I could support myself and support my family. I love knowing that I would not wake up in the middle of the night, not knowing if I could pay my bills, or buy my children the food they need to survive. So there you go for vulnerability. Take it or leave it, this is how I feel.
When I said I felt as though God hasn't given me a firm direction to go one way or another, I did not mean that I'm forcing Him to do anything, but I'm not ignoring him either. I will follow God's direction, right now I'm just not getting any responses. I need no unconditional positive regard from Him. Just give it to me, on a plank, as is.
So there it is, all my fears about the future, for you to consume and take as you will.
I'm as scared as ever, about school, about the fact that I'm home still, after promising myself that I wouldn't. About Brian saying, "You better not be here when I come home, Zandra." I want to make it somewhere, I just have no clue what I'm doing anymore.
All I know, is that I want to love people, I want to follow God, I want to love someone with my whole heart, and be a best friend. I want to feel secure. And infinite. One day.
Winter, by Joshua Shank
I sang this with my choir, 4 years ago. I still know it almost word for word. This makes me feel infinite, just for a moment.
snow....snow
beautiful is the unmeaning
of silently falling
everywhere snow
two faces at a dark window
this father and his child are watching snowflakes
falling
falling over
time
space
doom
dream
while floats the whole perhapsless mystery
of paradise
mind without soul
may blast some universe to might have been,
and stop ten thousand stars
but not one heartbeat of this child;
nor shall even prevail a million questionings
against the silence of his mother’s smile
—whose only secret all creation sing
snow....snow
time space doom dream
I'll play this one more time, and drift into another night's sleep.
4 comments:
So, I googled something...some type of picture. I forget what now. But, I came across your blog. & I read this post, and it's funny because I'm in the same exact position. I'm a recent college grad, desperately searching for where God wants me.
It's tough knowing & trusting & following. I'm with ya on wanting to have a job where I know I am financially stable. But, i don't know if that's what God's telling me to do right now.
Man, I haven't blogged on here in a long time. BUT I wanted to encourage you. There's a lot of us here in this place all over the world. :)
www.breakawayministries.org has a great talk by a lady named Marion Jordan. The talk is called "Faith and Inheritance" and it's about this stuff. You might wanna check it out.
"All I know, is that I want to love people, I want to follow God, I want to love someone with my whole heart, and be a best friend. I want to feel secure. And infinite"
Take this from someone who knows EXACTLY how you feel:: stagnant, STUCK, like theres nothing you can do to change your circumstance. I've learned something this year about God and about life, we have to make the best of where we are. Hallmark-status, I know. But theres such a huge truth behind it that I think most people don't think about. I know I didn't think about until my sister hammered it into my head and I got it. God has a plan. And right now, where you are is in His plan. And, therefore, where you are now should be amazing! There is purpose and beauty where you are, even if you can't see it. And the person you want to be "out there" in the real world is who you should be now. Like what you said in the paragraph I quoted, you can be that person NOW, where you are, no matter what.
and I was thinking about the title of this blog:
TIME--you still have plenty of it, so don't worry about running out of time.
SPACE--enjoy the space you're in. make the most of it. take advantage of every little part of it and search for beauty.
DOOM--you're not doomed :)
DREAM--don't stop thinking about your dream. enjoy where you are, but remember that you one day want to get out.
wow. sorry to just lecture you on all that. Its a subject that has been huge for me lately and I hope that what I said encouraged you in some way (and I hope it made sense).
of course i agree with rachel, there is so much purpose in where you are now. BLOSSOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED ... and this is where you are planted for now. so blossom and make it wonderful. you'll look back and realize it's more amazing than you might be able to see right now.
also, you'll hear God a whole lot once it is time to start moving and taking the next steps. when the time comes for you to decide between being a dental hygienist or something totally different, you will know. God knows the desires of you heart, and as long as you are persistent in prayer it will become so clear to you. but often times it doesn't happen UNTIL you are actually making those decisions and making the moves.
you are amazing!! seriously! you really have nothing to worry about. not knowing what you are going to do is a whole lot better than doing something and hating it. you are at the beginning and the most exciting part!
-reb
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